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If music be the food of love, play on September 9, 2012

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I am sat in my kitchen listening to T play guitar and singing at my kitchen table.  It is such a peaceful experience.  Like having a live radio but let’s be honest, who likes kissing the radio?

The boys are either sleeping or are lying in bed listening to him singing.  Either way they are quiet and are heading towards 10 hours of childhood rest.  Tonight, after a day of moving furniture I won’t be far behind them.

Where do I begin September 4, 2012

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As the title says: Where do I begin? So much time has passed since I blogged here regularly. I recently merged another blog with it, in part to try to fill in the blanks & in part to tidy things up a little.

Almost a year ago I reached the end of my rope, tether, whatever, and asked M to leave. Time has passed since then, I have changed since then. I am healthier. I am happier. I am better able to control my own life by virtue of not having to manage another adults life.

The boys are well. They are beautiful creations who have coped remarkably well with the changes that have happened in their lives in the last few years. As of tomorrow morning they will both be in ‘school’. D went to mainstream school last year, to my great sadness & regret but I have come to accept the presence of school in our lives. Tomorrow J starts preschool.

I started dating in the Spring & have met a wonderful man, T. He is kind & sweet & thinks the world of me (which is always a good thing).

I will write more. I miss writing.

Resignation January 19, 2012

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I sense resignation in you. It has been peeking out and showing its face since Christmas when you noticed that I had dyed my hair, more specifically you were not the one to dye my hair. Is that what it took? Did you not realise that this is the way that it is and is not going to be any different until I put a colour in my hair? What on earth will happen when I have it cut by someone else? But if truth be told that is not a step I am ready to take yet.

I know that at any time you could decide to be unaccepting again but when you tried to bully me on Friday into taking your call, talking to your about something that wasn’t open for discussion I didn’t relent. Do you realise that you phoned me 17 times?

So now that you are less snitty and have come to terms with the fact that you have to pay for your kids I can start to make plans, start to make arrangements for clearing my debts, getting to a safer financial position which allows for a lot of head space which is currently taken up by you & my finances. So off you go, get out of my head and get on with your own life, because that is what it is, you life, go live it cause I’m going to live mine.

It’s midnight and I can’t sleep January 11, 2012

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The outcome of my counselling session today was that I don’t have an inner child, I have an outer field. When I am alone in my field I talk to it. I am honest with it. I speak out loud, just speaking my mind. It has no voice and therefore no opinion, carries no judgement and is unable to critique.

I am lying here thinking about it. Before we bought it it had been essentially neglected for years. It was just used for rough grazing so it was just open space. Having had horses on it for years it is actually open space that has been shit on for years.

In the 2.5 years that we own it, our input into it has been half assed and lack luster. We lacked commitment to it, dedication, concern. We didn’t take the time to mind it. I myself am guilty of saying “i don’t have to do anything with it now, I have the rest of my life to deal with it”

Tonight I can relate all of that to talking about myself. No one, myself included has taken time to take care of me. I am essentially an open space that has been shit on for years. Your treatment of our land and the words you have used to describe it mirror your attitude about me “it’s beautiful but it’s so big, it’s going to take forever to deal with it properly”

We both put caring for me on the long finger. You are not solely to blame for neglecting me, I have done it all of my life so why should you treat me any different.

At night, when I walk up my field, because it is my field now, I am at peace. I am alone with myself, with the very basic bits of me. I don’t answer myself back, I don’t critique myself, I don’t even have an opinion. I speak the me that I am, as sure as the ground under my feet knowing that what comes out of me simply is what I am. Interestingly my field holds no surprises yet fills me with calm, awe and wonder.

Lying here, right now, I can see its potential. It could continue to be just as it is now, unchanged, unchallenged until I leave it or I can take time, make time to make it better, stronger, healthier, more beautiful. And as strong and powerful as they are they don’t do my field justice.

It is magnificent. I fell in love with it the day we met. I know it’s scars because I made most of them and I can navigate those scars in the dark without falling over. My field is so tied into my future that I cannot imagine living without it.

No one else is going to come along and say “I will care for your field while you continue to ignore it”. If I can’t care for it, and me, how can I expect anyone else to?

So, outer field… Are you ready? Because I am.

LEAVE ME ALONE January 9, 2012

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So long went by without you bothering me. It was peace. I had nothing to say here. It took a while to realise why I was so peaceful and when I did I enjoyed it. And then you started annoying me again.

Solve a fucking situation on your own for once. I know you can do it (not to be misinterpreted for “I have faith in you”, just to be read as “I know you are able to do it”) so stop coming to me to do it.

It is almost a month since I told you that my solicitor is not dealing with your stuff any more but you waited til today to do anything about it, that is today being the first working day after you heard from my father about his money. The first working day after you refused to meet with my father to talk to him about his money. I am not going to help you sort out this situation. It was a crappy job with crappier benefits when I had the job and I don’t want it any more.

None of this is helping public opinion of you, but at this stage you don’t care what my family think of you, but then I don’t think you ever cared. I think you always saw them as a nuisance, a group of people you could never understand because they didn’t observe the same type of self focus as you do.

I saw you this morning and you look like shit but I was reminded of the fact that you have looked like that for a long time now. I am not saying I am a beauty queen but you just looked hungover this morning.

Please don’t try to be helpful January 2, 2012

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Twice in 3 months you have tried to be helpful by carrying one of our sleeping children straight to bed. Both times you have failed. Both times I have been left with a WIDE AWAKE child. So now I am sat downstairs waiting for the child to go back to sleep which he won’t do because he had a 90 second nap earlier before you woke him taking him to bed. Not only that but when I said not to talk to him after you had woken him your went ahead and talked to him which sure fire guaranteed his state of awakeness. So thanks but no thanks.

Oh, the court summons is being issued tomorrow and you will be receiving a letter from my father by the end of the week. Let the shit storm begin.

And one final Oh. Thanks for not paying child support this week. You do know that just because business is slow between Christmas and new year you are not excused from paying for your children to be fed and kept warm in clean clothes with toilets that continue to flush and transported in a car that continues to run. Life goes on, even when business slows down.

Normal Interpersonal Communications December 31, 2011

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On Thursday we visited friends in the west of Ireland & for 36 hours we got home there was something that continued to niggle. It took until this morning to realise what it was.

In the middle of the evening the Dad asked the Mom where the nail clippers was. She said it was one place and he came back a few minutes later to say that it wasn’t and she replied “well then it is in the yellow basket” and he headed off. Another few minutes and he reappeared to say it wasn’t and that he had a willing child in the kitchen and he wanted to strike while the iron was hot.

36 hours later I realised what was bothering me. She hadn’t hopped up & frantically search for the nail clippers so as not to upset him & to ensure that he didn’t go sit in front of the TV for the rest of the day.

But let us go back from there. He was cutting one of his children’s finger nails, something you haven’t done in almost 7 years.

I have a lot of learning to do.

What happens when you decide we are not best friends? December 28, 2011

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You are full of sweetness and light, I can only presume it’s because you think we are best friends because I haven’t fought you over money but you would be a little mistaken on that one.

This evening you told me that you will have more money in the New Year, if the business does better. That “if” covered your ass and now as far as you are concerned you can choose whether to give me money or not.

It doesn’t work that way for me.

Nothing you do surprises me December 24, 2011

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I have had nothing to write for the best part of a week because you have left me alone for that time. WHOOT!

But here I find myself thinking about you again. Last week you gave me €100 of the €840 you owe me and told me that there would be “more next week” so roll forward to today and needless to say there was no money offered up. I have stopped humiliating myself by asking you for money and having to tell the latest excuse so right now you owe me €840 and you haven’t contributed toward Christmas. Of course that isn’t stopping you coming out here in the morning to enjoy Santa.

This one is about me December 21, 2011

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Embarrassment is my nemesis. It is the thing that engulfs me and paralyses me completely. Today I took the younger child to the Santa party of the older child. At the end of the proceedings there was a Santa session for the preschoolers which I didn’t know was happening and as a result hadn’t made any preparations for. I sat there, embarrassed, in the audience while all of the other preschoolers (along with their parents) went up onto the stage. Not only was I embarrassed but I was angry that no one had told me that this was happening.

The one requirement present purchasing process was that the gift had to the less than €8. I was very careful to make sure that I stayed under the €8. Clearly not all of the parents felt the way that I did about this.

I am going to check the letter that was sent home about the present to make sure that I didn’t miss anything and then write to the school to complain.

Unfortunately this comes on the back of two different parents disregarding the “don’t send (birthday) cakes into school” rule. Both of these have been in the older boys class and each time he was excluded because he cannot eat home made/unlabeled food. He was unbothered by this but I am definitely unsettled by the whole thing, to the point that right at this moment I don’t trust the school.

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