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Pride Goeth Before The Fall February 8, 2016

Posted by Laura in Uncategorized.
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In the December that my mother turned 19 a young, half blind man, made his way across the dance floor with the intention of asking her to dance.  He was faced with a few problems.

He had taken off his glasses once he figured out where she was.  He walked to her, knowing where she was when he had seen her last with the knowledge that once he got close enough he would be able to see her properly but before that it was a point and shoot exercise.  She could be gone by the time he got there and he wouldn’t have seen her leave.  He also knew, as he walked, that she might say no.  They had danced together that Summer, the Summer of 1962, but he wasn’t sure she would say yes again.

If he got there and discovered that she had left he could easily recover and no one would know.

If she said no, he was lost.  Quite literally, lost.  He had taken off his glasses.  If she said no and he turned to leave he had no idea where to leave to.

Pride came in the way of his ability to deal with rejection.

Thankfully she didn’t say no.

Can You Hear The Drums Fernando? February 8, 2016

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We waked my father at home.  He had a varied taste in music and his iPod could play for almost 12.5 days without repeating a track.

We played his music in the room with him, even through the night, while we had him at home that last time.

People visited.  Spent time with my father, my mother, my siblings, me.  They talked of golf ball markers and a dance hall in the 1960’s.

The music played the whole time.

I sat with him a few times.  I sat on the left side of the coffin.  Sitting there, looking at the left side of his face, he looked like himself.  He had no glasses on and it looked like he was just “resting his eyes”.  He never slept in the arm chair.  He was only ever “resting his eyes”.

The music played each time I sat with him.

I was overwhelmed by sadness.  Racked with guilt for the things unsaid.  At pains to find the thing that was bugging me, the thing I needed to say before they closed the lid of the treasure chest, locking him inside forever.

The music played while I figured out what I needed to say.

Then I remembered.  I apologised for embarrassing him when I left my husband.  I apologised for not saying it while he was alive.  My heart broke a little more.  I cried a lot more.

Then, to my right, almost too low to hear, the iPod changed tracks and from the speakers came “Can you hear the drums Fernando?”

I made my peace with my father in that moment.

He lost his best friend February 5, 2016

Posted by Laura in Uncategorized.
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Almost 44 years ago my parents attended the funeral of a little boy. 3 years later they asked the parents of that little boy to be my Godparents.  I cannot think of a better choice for my Godparents.  Even with 8 surviving children, and many many grandchildren, they took the role seriously.

By the time I reached my 20’s my father and Godfather were meeting on a weekly basis for coffee.  Every Friday morning.  The only reason they didn’t meet was if my father was out of the country.  When my father was in hospital they changed the location to his bedside.

They did this for 24 years.

They met for coffee on a Friday morning and my father died the following day.

Last Friday we buried him.

Today is Friday.

They are not meeting for coffee.

He called my mother this morning.

My Godfather is heartbroken.

He lost his best friend.

My father is dead February 5, 2016

Posted by Laura in Uncategorized.
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I don’t know how many blog posts I have written in my head over the last 2 weeks.  How many lines I thought “I should write that down or I will forget”.

My father is dead.

He died in an instant on the night of January 23rd, 2016.  He had a good death.  He died the way he wanted to.

Unfortunately he left behind more than a few broken hearts.

If music be the food of love, play on September 9, 2012

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I am sat in my kitchen listening to T play guitar and singing at my kitchen table.  It is such a peaceful experience.  Like having a live radio but let’s be honest, who likes kissing the radio?

The boys are either sleeping or are lying in bed listening to him singing.  Either way they are quiet and are heading towards 10 hours of childhood rest.  Tonight, after a day of moving furniture I won’t be far behind them.

Where do I begin September 4, 2012

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As the title says: Where do I begin? So much time has passed since I blogged here regularly. I recently merged another blog with it, in part to try to fill in the blanks & in part to tidy things up a little.

Almost a year ago I reached the end of my rope, tether, whatever, and asked M to leave. Time has passed since then, I have changed since then. I am healthier. I am happier. I am better able to control my own life by virtue of not having to manage another adults life.

The boys are well. They are beautiful creations who have coped remarkably well with the changes that have happened in their lives in the last few years. As of tomorrow morning they will both be in ‘school’. D went to mainstream school last year, to my great sadness & regret but I have come to accept the presence of school in our lives. Tomorrow J starts preschool.

I started dating in the Spring & have met a wonderful man, T. He is kind & sweet & thinks the world of me (which is always a good thing).

I will write more. I miss writing.

Resignation January 19, 2012

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I sense resignation in you. It has been peeking out and showing its face since Christmas when you noticed that I had dyed my hair, more specifically you were not the one to dye my hair. Is that what it took? Did you not realise that this is the way that it is and is not going to be any different until I put a colour in my hair? What on earth will happen when I have it cut by someone else? But if truth be told that is not a step I am ready to take yet.

I know that at any time you could decide to be unaccepting again but when you tried to bully me on Friday into taking your call, talking to your about something that wasn’t open for discussion I didn’t relent. Do you realise that you phoned me 17 times?

So now that you are less snitty and have come to terms with the fact that you have to pay for your kids I can start to make plans, start to make arrangements for clearing my debts, getting to a safer financial position which allows for a lot of head space which is currently taken up by you & my finances. So off you go, get out of my head and get on with your own life, because that is what it is, you life, go live it cause I’m going to live mine.

It’s midnight and I can’t sleep January 11, 2012

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The outcome of my counselling session today was that I don’t have an inner child, I have an outer field. When I am alone in my field I talk to it. I am honest with it. I speak out loud, just speaking my mind. It has no voice and therefore no opinion, carries no judgement and is unable to critique.

I am lying here thinking about it. Before we bought it it had been essentially neglected for years. It was just used for rough grazing so it was just open space. Having had horses on it for years it is actually open space that has been shit on for years.

In the 2.5 years that we own it, our input into it has been half assed and lack luster. We lacked commitment to it, dedication, concern. We didn’t take the time to mind it. I myself am guilty of saying “i don’t have to do anything with it now, I have the rest of my life to deal with it”

Tonight I can relate all of that to talking about myself. No one, myself included has taken time to take care of me. I am essentially an open space that has been shit on for years. Your treatment of our land and the words you have used to describe it mirror your attitude about me “it’s beautiful but it’s so big, it’s going to take forever to deal with it properly”

We both put caring for me on the long finger. You are not solely to blame for neglecting me, I have done it all of my life so why should you treat me any different.

At night, when I walk up my field, because it is my field now, I am at peace. I am alone with myself, with the very basic bits of me. I don’t answer myself back, I don’t critique myself, I don’t even have an opinion. I speak the me that I am, as sure as the ground under my feet knowing that what comes out of me simply is what I am. Interestingly my field holds no surprises yet fills me with calm, awe and wonder.

Lying here, right now, I can see its potential. It could continue to be just as it is now, unchanged, unchallenged until I leave it or I can take time, make time to make it better, stronger, healthier, more beautiful. And as strong and powerful as they are they don’t do my field justice.

It is magnificent. I fell in love with it the day we met. I know it’s scars because I made most of them and I can navigate those scars in the dark without falling over. My field is so tied into my future that I cannot imagine living without it.

No one else is going to come along and say “I will care for your field while you continue to ignore it”. If I can’t care for it, and me, how can I expect anyone else to?

So, outer field… Are you ready? Because I am.

LEAVE ME ALONE January 9, 2012

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So long went by without you bothering me. It was peace. I had nothing to say here. It took a while to realise why I was so peaceful and when I did I enjoyed it. And then you started annoying me again.

Solve a fucking situation on your own for once. I know you can do it (not to be misinterpreted for “I have faith in you”, just to be read as “I know you are able to do it”) so stop coming to me to do it.

It is almost a month since I told you that my solicitor is not dealing with your stuff any more but you waited til today to do anything about it, that is today being the first working day after you heard from my father about his money. The first working day after you refused to meet with my father to talk to him about his money. I am not going to help you sort out this situation. It was a crappy job with crappier benefits when I had the job and I don’t want it any more.

None of this is helping public opinion of you, but at this stage you don’t care what my family think of you, but then I don’t think you ever cared. I think you always saw them as a nuisance, a group of people you could never understand because they didn’t observe the same type of self focus as you do.

I saw you this morning and you look like shit but I was reminded of the fact that you have looked like that for a long time now. I am not saying I am a beauty queen but you just looked hungover this morning.

Please don’t try to be helpful January 2, 2012

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Twice in 3 months you have tried to be helpful by carrying one of our sleeping children straight to bed. Both times you have failed. Both times I have been left with a WIDE AWAKE child. So now I am sat downstairs waiting for the child to go back to sleep which he won’t do because he had a 90 second nap earlier before you woke him taking him to bed. Not only that but when I said not to talk to him after you had woken him your went ahead and talked to him which sure fire guaranteed his state of awakeness. So thanks but no thanks.

Oh, the court summons is being issued tomorrow and you will be receiving a letter from my father by the end of the week. Let the shit storm begin.

And one final Oh. Thanks for not paying child support this week. You do know that just because business is slow between Christmas and new year you are not excused from paying for your children to be fed and kept warm in clean clothes with toilets that continue to flush and transported in a car that continues to run. Life goes on, even when business slows down.

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