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10 Hours October 31, 2006

Posted by Laura in Uncategorized.
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Last night at midnight I asked my brother to give my sister 10 hours.

I asked him to stay in hospital overnight so that she could sleep the night and he told me that he couldn’t do it for someone else.

Then I told him that I was jealous. Envious that she had listened to and heard him when he had something to say. No one had listened to me. She had done him a favour. Not by talking him home or by bringing him to the safe place that he was now in but simply by listening to him. Now he owed her a favour back and that favour should be for him to stay over night and still be there in the morning when she woke.

He agreed.

Slippery when wet October 30, 2006

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I went swimming this evening for the first time since the Sunday before the eggstraction in July. 14w1d ago. I had chosen not to swim while I was pregnant (for a variety of personal reasons) and had sat on the bank while my boys swam. It was odd being back in the water with them today. Odd to be showering with D again.It will be 4 weeks tomorrow since we found out that our baby died. I have become acustomed to the fact that I am no longer pregnant. It is an unusual sensation to have been pregnant for such a short period of time with only a scan photo and some HPT’s to show for the experience.

Changing Times October 30, 2006

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Yesterday I emptied out the personal items from our first home, my brother carried his broken heart home from Hawai’i and my 15.5 year old niece ran away from home.

M and I bought our first home together in Dublin in June 2001. We lived there when we got married and were still living there when D was conceived (although we were living elsewhere when I got pregnant on him). That house saw us through the early difficult days of living together and the exciting, if incredibly busy, run up to our wedding. We left it in April 2003 to move to the home that we all live in now. Tomorrow it is being sold. I am surprisingly unnostalgic about the whole thing. It served us well and owes us nothing. We bought at the limit of a financial abilities and sold at what appears to be the top of the market. By the end of next week we will be mortgage and debt free and I can’t wait. This is allowing us to expand M’s business while I still only work 2 days a week and hopefully in a short space of time he will work less. He will be able to take time off, guilt free, for the upcoming cycle and hopefully for the pregnancy that comes from it.

Depression is such a powerful longlasting condition and I eternally grateful to have found a way to live with it without it clouding my entire existance. Sadly my brother has not. My 2nd sister received a phonecall on Friday night from my brother to say that he had, 7011 mile away, had enough and was ready for it all to be over. My sister talked him into coming home on the next possible flight, 12 hours later. My sister hung up the phone praying that he would get on the plane. He rang from LAX yesterday afternoon in the middle of his 10 hour layover and she again talked him into getting on the next plane and again prayed that he would. He did. She collected him, his broken heart, his bruised ego and his flagging spirit from the airport this morning. He is sleeping now.

As a demonstration of the fact that my niece feels eldest sister had no power over her 15.5 year old daughter, my niece walked out the front door yesterday at 1pm and hasn’t been seen since.

A little red shoe… my faith restored October 27, 2006

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I am not sure that this forum is the best place to post this BUT it does reflect my feelings about the upcoming 4th IVF cycle

D and I took the train to visit a friend today. While the visit was lovely the journey was frought. If we had gone yesterday it would have cost us €15.50 return but because today was a Friday it cost us €23!!! Then we had to change trains… I presumed WRONGLY that because we got off an east bound train and were boarding an east bound train that the two trains would involve the same platform… 2 kind young men helped me to access the “other” platform via the 30ish steps up and another 30ish steps down.

As we were about to head back to the train I discovered that I was missing one of D’s shoes. He had worn his slippers all day (he can and does take his shoes off and throw them away) but I brought his shoes so we could go out for a walk/go to the swings etc. He is almost grown out of them so it wouldn’t be the end of the world if I had to go to Dunnes and buy him a pair of runners for a few weeks but I had wanted to keep his first pair of shoes.

On the way home I checked on the platform and by the rails in all of the stations but no joy Sad We didn’t have to change platforms but we were shoehorned into the train after a man in a uniform took D’s buggy to put it somewhere so it would manage to make it to our destination along with us. We stood for the rest of the journey surrounded by the scummiest dirty walls (diesel engine pumping soot in the open windows) that D wanted to paw so we both ended up covered in sticky black yuck!

I asked someone in the station when we got home if a little red shoe had been found and was told that it hadn’t. Then it started to rain! As we walked back to the car I looked to see if the shoe was on the ground by the car but alas it wasn’t.

For some reason, about 30′ from the car I looked to my left and there, on top of a small wooden post, was a little red shoe. I could have kissed the shoe there and then!

At the end of a crappy journey I was filled with joy because someone picked up a shoe and put it somewhere safe in the hope that the owner would find it, return it to its match and take it home.

For the last few days I have been so down about ANOTHER IVF cycle and it has spilled over into every corner of my life.

Tonight, with 2 reunited red shoes in the hall my faith is restored in mankind, in the cycle to come, in accepting that sometimes things are lost to me and sometimes they are returned, in the fact that the journey doesn’t matter – it is the end point that counts.

Enough filosofikalizing for one night… thanks for reading.

Self Praise is No Praise October 23, 2006

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I am so impressed that I am here two days in a row. YAY ME!

D slept (with the aid of paracetamol) last night and as a result so did I but because of the small amount of sleep I had the night before and the baby wearing I did yesterday I am feeling very rough today. I have a sore throat and nose… I hope I am not coming down with something.

For the last 18 months I have been saying that the keys to the shed of our house in Dublin were in my PIL’s apartment.

For the last 18 months DH and PIL’s have been telling me that they are not there.

Today I arranged for someone to break down the door of the aforementioned shed as we need access to it before the weekend.

Tonight DH decided to do something about trying to find the keys. After a very poor look for them in our house he rang his parents and asked them if they had them. MIL told him that they weren’t there, they were here. He asked her to look anyway. 30 minutes later to say that she had the keys.

So for 18 months I have been right! YAY ME! Of course no one is patting me on the back. That is being saved for MIL for the act of finding the keys.

D is sick :-( October 22, 2006

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D is cutting his eye teeth and they are the worst so far. I am in pain with tiredness. He started moaning at 4am this morning and he hasn’t stopped yet! Actually, that is a lie… he slept for a little while a few times during the day. He is now asleep in his cot with his head on my pillow LOL

Friday the Thirtheenth October 13, 2006

Posted by Laura in Uncategorized.
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My baby died for no specific reason. It just stopped living. I am free to cycle again whenever the clinic will let me. Today is a great day.

My friend had a son (after 2 daughters) and his name is John Edward.

What did I do on the day? October 7, 2006

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I have wondered a lot today what I did the day my baby died. I have looked through old posts on various fora and I can’t find anything special or interesting.

My appetite has returned. I can eat what ever I want when ever I want it.

Friday is so far away now.

It is all over October 6, 2006

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I am home now with my boys and they are doing their best to lift my heart.

The “procedure” went according to plan although I did lose a little more blood than my doctor would have hoped for. My hCG is approximately 23,000. I was initially told that it would take 6 weeks for the histology results to come back. My doctor came back late in the day to tell me that everything has been sent for histology and she has put a stat order on it so the results will be back by next Friday! AND she has squeezed me into her clinic on Friday so I can get the results straight away!

It turns out that the odd sperm is made with 2 sets of genetic material so we could still be dealing with a partial molar pregnancy… we will have to wait for the results on Friday.

The standard of care for an ordinary standard, nothing special, sorry for your loss miscarriage is try again in a few months. This would mean cycling in January.

The standard of care for partial molar pregnancy is monitor hCG levels weekly until it gets back to less than 5iu (approx 6 weeks) and then monthly to ensure it stays less than 5iu for SIX MONTHS!!! This would mean cycling in May EEEKKK!!!

How many hours does a day have? October 4, 2006

Posted by Laura in Uncategorized.
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Today is the longest day of my life. I am pregnant and yet I am not. I have a baby inside me yet I don’t have a life growing within. Today is a day of disbelief. Make sure they didn’t make a mistake. It has taken me all day to pack bags for D and I. How many nappies do I need? What clothes do I need? What kind of sanitary towels should I buy? I am clueless. Minutes take forever to pass and the day stretched out in front of me like a never ending doom. This is my last day of being pregnant this year.

They are taking my baby from me tomorrow and the worst part is I am letting them. I did not lose my baby. I did not leave it in the supermarket and forget where I put it. I am letting my doctor take it away. Intermittant research has told me today that partial molar pregnancies are as a result of two sperm fertilising an egg so we are in the clear as we did ICSI to achieve fertilisation. We aren’t sure of the waiting times following a missed miscarriage before we can try to make another baby but will clarify that tomorrow.