jump to navigation

Can this day get any worse? March 17, 2007

Posted by The Mom in Uncategorized.
add a comment

My friends son died today after fighting for 54 days.


I am alone now March 17, 2007

Posted by The Mom in Uncategorized.
add a comment

D and M are at home together and I am in Dublin alone in my body. I am very detached but I don’t want to go to bed because when I go to bed I will have to get up in a day that has 24 hours of being alone. I know that it is just the first day of many but it is a hard day.

Tomorrow is the end of now March 15, 2007

Posted by The Mom in Uncategorized.
add a comment

I am sitting in the same chair I was sitting in at this time last week. I had just opened my mouth and said “I am eight weeks pregnant” in the company of my mother & father.

Tonight I am sitting here trying to bag tie together the pieces of my broken heart and make it through the next few days without becoming an even worse pile of ectoplasm than I am right now.

D is asleep in the same cot he slept in last week but tomorrow morning when he gets up he will be in the care of his Nanna while M and I go to Dublin to allow a strange doctor to take our baby away.

Today I was told to “Make the family you have the strongest, count your blessings.” I am not sure if I have ever been more offended by anything in my life. How dare someone imply that I should be grateful for what I have rather than take all the time I need to grieve for yet another life that has left me.

I wish I could rationalise it this time March 14, 2007

Posted by The Mom in Uncategorized.
add a comment

but I can’t. I cannot think of one good reason why I should have two babies die inside me in the space of 6 months. I cannot think of one fair thing about seeing a heartbeat at 7 weeks (twice) and then finding out at a later date that it has stopped.

Which is more cruel? Not getting pregnant at the end of an IVF cycle or having your baby die in your belly.

Last time I was full of philosophy, this time I am not. This time I am just angry but I don’t know who to be angry with.

My baby died.

The only “good” thing from all of this is that we found out yesterday at 9 weeks rather than 12 weeks so I “only” carried around my dead baby for at most 12 days this time.

My desire was to “announce” my pregnancy on my last due date (which is also my boys birthdays) and as I approached that day I had hope for things to come. Instead I am here, facing that day with a mixture of joy for the life that I brought into the world and overwhelming sadness for the lives that have left me at the wrong time.

Today I should be 35w1d pregnant but I am not. I am 9w1d pregnant and yet I am not. On Friday a doctor, who is not my own doctor, will take my baby away.

How will my heart ever mend? Was IVF not challenge enough for me?

I wish I knew I was having my baby with her March 9, 2007

Posted by The Mom in Uncategorized.
add a comment
I got a call from my Ob today (from her herself not the secretary)… she congratulated me etc and then told me that I have an appointment to see her on april 3rd but that she will be on a plane back into Ireland on the 3rd… she gave me two choices

1. Go on the 3rd, have my scan & bloods done, see another doctor and see her at my 20w appointment

2. Change the appointment so that I can see her

Needless to say I have changed the appointment so my first appointment is at 13 weeks on 10.04

Bum diddy bum diddy bum March 1, 2007

Posted by The Mom in Uncategorized.
add a comment

We saw the heart beat today. One perfect heartbeat, big and bold and plain to see.

There isn’t any peace from it though. That is not strictly true. I have peace for the fact that there was one heart beat as opposed to two or none. But it doesn’t assure me that I will take a baby home.

Next scan is at 10w on March 20th.