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I wish I could rationalise it this time March 14, 2007

Posted by The Mom in Uncategorized.

but I can’t. I cannot think of one good reason why I should have two babies die inside me in the space of 6 months. I cannot think of one fair thing about seeing a heartbeat at 7 weeks (twice) and then finding out at a later date that it has stopped.

Which is more cruel? Not getting pregnant at the end of an IVF cycle or having your baby die in your belly.

Last time I was full of philosophy, this time I am not. This time I am just angry but I don’t know who to be angry with.

My baby died.

The only “good” thing from all of this is that we found out yesterday at 9 weeks rather than 12 weeks so I “only” carried around my dead baby for at most 12 days this time.

My desire was to “announce” my pregnancy on my last due date (which is also my boys birthdays) and as I approached that day I had hope for things to come. Instead I am here, facing that day with a mixture of joy for the life that I brought into the world and overwhelming sadness for the lives that have left me at the wrong time.

Today I should be 35w1d pregnant but I am not. I am 9w1d pregnant and yet I am not. On Friday a doctor, who is not my own doctor, will take my baby away.

How will my heart ever mend? Was IVF not challenge enough for me?



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