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Where do I belong? July 15, 2007

Posted by The Mom in infertility, IVF, miscarriage.
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This is a little bit of a pity party I am afraid. I have intermittant periods of acknowledging that my babies have died, that I am no longer pregnant and that I am not going to be for many months and I am in one of those periods right now.

This is the first time in 16 months that I: don’t have a cycle booked, amn’t taking the pill, amn’t cycling or amn’t pregnant. I feel lost. There are days when I enjoy it but for the most part I don’t.

Back to the title… I don’t really belong on the pregnant/parenting side as DS is much older than the babies over there and to be honest being over there makes me feel sick (with sadness, with envy, with anger, with bitterness) and yet I don’t really belong over here. I am loathe to mention DS on this side because I know his sheer existence is more than many can deal with. I am loathe to mention my miscarriages because I know that many from the other side still look in here and the last thing they need to read about is my babies dying. I am loathe to admit that I have had 3 successful cycles out of 5 because I feel like I am hogging the statistics.

And yet I have no where else that I can post this. No where else I can pour my heart out without judgement or scorn.

There really is no point to this post other than to put down in print my confession, my sadness, my loneliness, my anger, my bitterness, my rage.

This morning I beseeched the Lord to return my hope because it is gone.

I don’t want IVF #6… I want my babies back.