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I am lost again November 27, 2007

Posted by The Mom in Uncategorized.
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I now fit into so many categories and yet again I don’t belong. I am now a vet (not strictly speaking because of DS but after 6 cycles I think I qualify)… I have had multiple miscarriages… I have had multiple failed cycles… and I have now become one of those IVF’ers that has reached the “shall we blast, ta rahn tran tran?” (think of The King & I) point.

Will blast answer all of my questions and prayers? Will it give me the second child that I dearly long for? Am I throwing good money after good money (there is no such thing as bad money in my books )?

I never thought I would become one of those back to back cycle people but with a cycle booked for the Spring I will have done 5 cycles in 2 years and spent more than €20,000.

Has anyone figured out how to accept that enough is enough? DH was there a long time ago and while I want to be done with IVF I want another child and I can’t let go of that. On the rare occassions that I let myself think about calling it a day I feel nauseated at the prospect of not having another baby. The 15 months of vests & babygrows that are sorted in age order under my bed cannot have been sorted in vain!

Over the last 18 months I have messed up my statistics so much. I have now got a take home baby rate of 16%… that sucks! For a woman of my age and absence of fertility issues 16% is cr@p. I have a clinical pregnancy rate of 50% which is good but is really pulled down by the 66% miscarriage rate.

So here I am, feeling homeless again. This time it is not that I don’t feel like I belong here but I feel lost in my journey through infertility. I can see the exit sign but I just can’t get off.

Rambles over… for now.