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We are home December 31, 2007

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We left Mullingar on Saturday shortly before Joe Dolan left. We went to Dublin to stay in my mothers house for 2 nights. My mother kindly watched D for us and we went to see I Am Legend. Fantastic movie. I am so glad we got the chance to go.

Sunday night we had game night in my sisters house. It was M’s first experience of it and he really enjoyed it. Can you make “Fleet Street” with Playdoh?

Today we had lunch in Cafe Mao in Dundrum and then came home.

Now it is 11.30, 2008 is only minutes away. It has to be a better year, I need it to be a better year.

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Well I could just puke! December 28, 2007

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We had a lovely play date today with one of D’s favourite girls. They played with everything and there wasn’t a cross word. They ran and cooked and wheelybugged around the place. It was so nice to see (and hear) them together.

There has been 2 pregnancy announcements on a site that I am on. I am delighted for both families but I feel so lonely and alone. Starting the next cycle seems so far away. I still haven’t had the period that will start the cycle and so I am just waiting… of course after the period starts I will be waiting too. It is all about waiting, waiting for the next significant thing.

It is all about faith December 27, 2007

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Shelli’s post from Christmas Eve, On Faith, further reminded me that this season, encompassing Chanukah & Christmas is all about celebrating faith. It is not about buying presents, sending cards, spending money etc. It is about celebrating your faith in something greater than you, loving something greater than you.

I spent a long time before Christmas thinking of the use of Xmas and the excuse that is used for spelling it like that “I am an atheist, I am taking Christ out of Christmas”. Bollocks! Regardless of your faith or absence of it Christmas is called Christmas… that is it’s name. The other thing that gets me is the use of “Happy Holidays” so as not to offend the non Christians. In both of these cases is it usually exChristians who now don’t practice a faith (as opposed to the ones who have converted to another faith). I have found that people of other faiths have enough respect for Christianity to call Christian holidays by their name.

We are having Indian take away for dinner tonight. They were closed for the 25th & 26th. I have often wondered what non Christians eat in Ireland on Christmas Day. NOTHING opens. No take out, no supermarkets, no shops. For the most part nothing opens on St. Stephens Day either.

My mobile phone is missing. It is FUBAR anyway so I have reported it lost and will hopefully get a replacement one on my insurance. I will be without a phone until the start of the week but it is the same as being stuck with a broken phone 😀

I will begin again December 26, 2007

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I have started digiscrapping of late, mainly for something to do, to feel like I am making something in a time when I feel like I am making nothing.

This evening I made this. D and his cousin were sitting in Nanna’s bed at the weekend having a “little lie down” and as they leaned in for a kiss I got this shot. It is Nanna’s birthday on Monday so I thought I would put this together for her.

I thought of going back to my other blog to restart things but I feel better here. Part of me feels no need to keep everything secret this time and yet I don’t want to go telling anyone… but if people seek me out then I hope they enjoy the journey.

Last night I started taking Primolut to start my period so that I can start counting. When I get to cycle day 21 I start down regulating, by injection, with a view to having egg collection on March 5th.

I must eat so many lemons… December 16, 2007

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‘Cause I am so bitter

There are just too many pregnancy & birth announcements lately. I can’t be happy… I smile the smile, say “congratulations” or “That’s great” and inside I feel like puking.

Today my mother told me that my cousin had just had her second little boy and my insides ached.

I know I am not alone in this and I also know that I am incredibly fortunate to have D but none of that takes the sadness away.

I don’t want this thread to become messages of assurance that 2008 will be our year etc. I am very aware that the next few weeks are some of the most difficult weeks in the lives of people living with fertility and hope that some of you can let out some what you would like to say without fear of platitudes or pity.

While I have reconciled our infertility I fucking hate it! There, I said it!