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Todays scan February 29, 2008

Posted by The Mom in Uncategorized.
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Todays scan went well. Lining is 10.1mm which is lovely. Right ovary has 10 follicles measuring 10 – 13mm (with one 16mm) and another 2 measuring 5mm & 8mm. Left ovary has 7 measuring 10 – 13mm & 2 measuring 6mm & 8mm.

I remain on 150iu Puregon, stopped my aspirin this morning and it is looking like egg collection will be Thursday.

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Today is an un-day February 29, 2008

Posted by The Mom in Uncategorized.
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There are many many reasons why this day is different in my life.

This day 12 years ago I made the huge (although at the time small) decision to end my own life. That Thursday came at the end of a hard time of not coping in which my inability to keep my head above water got progressively worse by the day. With the blink of an eye I can recall the events of that day, what I ate for lunch, where I went, who I called out to and who ultimately saved my life.

In many ways I believe my life started that day, the day that my life didn’t end.

4 years ago I was a week into the two week wait of my first IVF cycle, the one that wouldn’t only see me get pregnant but have me finish my family in one fail swoop. It was a different day that was going to bring with it such change in the fortune of our family, but didn’t

Today is the EDD of my 5th IVF cycle. I didn’t get pregnant that time but today would have been the day.

4 years on from the first cycle I find myself still here, on this journey.

In the last 4 years & 1 week we have made 27 embryos. We have transferred 12 of them. 3 stuck around but only one came home with us.

Tonight I am sitting in the chair I sat in almost a year ago, crying silent tears (while my brother watches rugby) for the ones who never got the chance, the ones that got the chance and couldn’t stay and for the ones who tried to stay but couldn’t. Mixed in with those tears are the scared little girl ones, dreading what is to come in the next week. Afraid that more will go the way of the ones before and I will remain here.

As with other February 29ths that have come and gone the next few days bring with them great change and with some luck, great hope but tonight just holds the memories of my lost babies.

IVF For the Uninitiated Part I February 28, 2008

Posted by The Mom in infertility, IVF, IVF for Dummies, medication.
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I feel I should clarify something for the non IVF’ers.

Not all follicles contain eggs (which IVF3 thought me very well).
Not all eggs are mature
Not all eggs that are injected with a sperm (ICSI) will fertilise
Not all fertilised eggs will make it to day 5

So, while I had 16 follicles yesterday I would only expect 12 eggs and from 12 eggs (considering my maturity & fertilisation rate) I would expect 8 embryos. Ideally that would be 2 to transfer and 2 to freeze on day 5 but we will have to wait and see. I do hope that some of the smaller follicles caught up over the 2 days (once I get around to doing todays shot) and that I end up with:

14 eggs, 10 embryos, 2 to transfer, 3 to freeze. It is a tall order but I reckon if I put it out there, you never know, the Internets may just make it happen.

I am doing my heparin shots in my thighs (check out Don’t shoot the stretch marks) so I have a beautiful set of bruises on each leg. I would take a photo but the last thing you all need to see if a photo of my poor bruised thighs. I digress. Earlier D was a little frustrated and he head but me in the thigh, right on one of the bruises. Yowza!

How do you go back? February 28, 2008

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I should have posted this on Tuesday but I was more than a little distracted about the scan yesterday so I didn’t.

On Tuesday morning I sat on an interview panel for the first time. It was an eye opening experience. There was only one candidate being interviewed (as I had asked for an internal advertisement only. Part of me wishes I had made it external but I digress) and I already supervise him in a temporary post. This interview was to turn his temporary post into a permanent one.

Back to the story. On Monday afternoon I pointed out that he should read his job description and read one of the policies of the organisation. I wasn’t making reference to any questions (that I had in advance) but I wanted to know that he was at least doing some preparation. I have no idea what he read while he was preparing but it wasn’t anything to do with the interview that happened on Tuesday morning.

I will be honest and say that I was embarrassed that a) one of my staff knows so LITTLE about his job and b) he had clearly failed to prepare for the interview. It also stunned me a little that he felt he was suitable for the next grade job (my grade) when he was hardly cutting the mustard at his own grade.

So now I am in an awkward position. He is being offered the job with some conditions and has to have a meeting with the HR Specialist to discuss his interview & the significance of the conditions. In all of that I will continue to be his boss and need to do some serious whipping into shape (both him and the department as a whole, which had started before the interview was even scheduled) but I need to know how to continue working with this guy knowing how little prep he put into the interview that he was requesting for months.

Oy! It hurts my head. If only all I had to worry about was the state of my ovaries!

One down, 2 to go February 27, 2008

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Scan went well today. Lining is 7.2mm (up from 2.4 the other day). I have 16 follicles, 9 right, 7 left, worth measuring with a few smaller ones. I’m back on Friday for another scan.

It’s done February 24, 2008

Posted by The Mom in Uncategorized.
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He cut my hair, short! Not as short as in the other picture but WAY shorter than it was.

Alone again, naturally February 24, 2008

Posted by The Mom in parenting.
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My mother has been visiting with us since Thursday. She had her hip replaced almost 5 weeks ago and she came to stay with us for a break from the monotony of being in her own house and it was well needed as she was stir crazy. She is not hard to mind at all but I felt on duty the whole time. D woke at 7.10 on Friday morning, 6.50 on Saturday morning and 6.10 this morning, each time wanting to go and say hello to Nanna. I didn’t let him call her before 8am which meant I was constantly stopping him from running off to get her.

Each night I stayed up until after M & herself had gone to bed so that I could have 30 minutes on.my.own! So I ended up going to bed at (or after) midnight which has made me very very tired when combined with the early mornings.

Today I drove her home to Dublin and I am relieved. It is nice to have my home back, not that she took up much space. A good example is that at 7.30 when M went to put D to bed I came down stairs and relaxed and it felt like I hadn’t done that since Wednesday.

I have found myself so concerned about the timing of my heparin injections (they have to be 12 hours apart with only a 15 minute margin of error) that I am unconcerned about my stim injections and whether they are going to work. I know already that they are working. I know the feeling at this stage. This is the first time that I have done back to back fresh cycles without something else in the middle (there was a pregnancy between IVF 3 & 4) so there are a lot of memories from IVF 6 that are quite fresh as it was only 4 months ago.

The heparin shots are going OK but Oy! the bruises are there already. I am afraid of the bruises that I develop normally. What are they going to be like now that I am on 2 anticoagulants?

My legs are knackered! February 23, 2008

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For some reason my legs are really tired tonight, like I was standing on them for a long time yesterday or today but I wasn’t. They also feel restless so I am putting it down to the steroids. I need to sleep tonight so they better not keep me awake!

I am scared February 22, 2008

Posted by The Mom in Uncategorized.
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8.30am (with breakfast) 500mg Metformin, Viridian Multivitamin, Viridian B12
2pm (with lunch) 500mg Metformin
8pm (with dinner) 500mg Metformin 0.5ml Suprefact sc

I am so so so scared that I will put everything, including the kitchen sink, into this cycle and I will come out the other side with nothing. There aren’t words to describe the visceral fear I have going into this cycle. I am not sure how many more cycles my family can survive.

Gentle Face February 21, 2008

Posted by The Mom in Uncategorized.
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There is another new entry immediately below this one but I wanted to keep them separate.

This morning, while lying in bed, I realised that D has a clenched jaw EVERY TIME he fights doing something, hits me, throws something etc. It was an eye opening realisation. So today we started “Gentle Face”. I showed him what an angry face (clenched jaw which he can talk to me through) & a gentle face look like and asked him to show me what they look like. Every time his jaw was clenched I asked him to show me a gentle face please. Dressing, which normally takes 30 minutes and involves him throwing his clothes away & physically attacking me, today involved him helping out, putting on his socks etc and was over in less than 10 minutes with NO physical violence.

Every single time I asked him for a gentle face he stopped lashing out, throwing etc and when he did I thanked him and told him I was very proud of him.

Early in the morning he was standing on his chair at the toaster and I told him that I wanted him to stop turning it on. He didn’t so I told him that if he touched it again I would set the timer & not talk to him for 3 minutes. He stopped. I asked him to get down and he said he was just waiting for the toaster. I again told him I would set the alarm & not talk to him and he promptly got down off the chair.

I know it could all be different tomorrow but it was such a change.

Gentle face & putting myself in time out have had a greater response than anything else we have tried.