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Today is an un-day February 29, 2008

Posted by The Mom in Uncategorized.

There are many many reasons why this day is different in my life.

This day 12 years ago I made the huge (although at the time small) decision to end my own life. That Thursday came at the end of a hard time of not coping in which my inability to keep my head above water got progressively worse by the day. With the blink of an eye I can recall the events of that day, what I ate for lunch, where I went, who I called out to and who ultimately saved my life.

In many ways I believe my life started that day, the day that my life didn’t end.

4 years ago I was a week into the two week wait of my first IVF cycle, the one that wouldn’t only see me get pregnant but have me finish my family in one fail swoop. It was a different day that was going to bring with it such change in the fortune of our family, but didn’t

Today is the EDD of my 5th IVF cycle. I didn’t get pregnant that time but today would have been the day.

4 years on from the first cycle I find myself still here, on this journey.

In the last 4 years & 1 week we have made 27 embryos. We have transferred 12 of them. 3 stuck around but only one came home with us.

Tonight I am sitting in the chair I sat in almost a year ago, crying silent tears (while my brother watches rugby) for the ones who never got the chance, the ones that got the chance and couldn’t stay and for the ones who tried to stay but couldn’t. Mixed in with those tears are the scared little girl ones, dreading what is to come in the next week. Afraid that more will go the way of the ones before and I will remain here.

As with other February 29ths that have come and gone the next few days bring with them great change and with some luck, great hope but tonight just holds the memories of my lost babies.



1. Susan - February 29, 2008

What a day. Thinking of you.

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