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The benchmark of miscarriage April 30, 2008

Posted by The Mom in miscarriage, pregnancy.

Firstly a big WoHoo to one of my readers who saw a heartbeat yesterday! You know who you are.

Her announcement made me think about the benchmark of miscarriage, the point at which you feel you are over the marker that the last (unsuccessful) pregnancy ended at.

For me the scan at 7w4d showing a heartbeat was significant and the scan last week showing a heartbeat at 9w1d was more significant but until I get to 12 weeks with a live baby inside me I am not past my own marker, and even then I don’t know that I will be “over” anything. Daily reassurance is desired which at this point is not possible (unless we do a Tom.Kat, which the Ob talked about last Friday). For that I have to wait until I am feeling movement which I will be waiting a while for yet.

So for now I am reliant on symptoms which aren’t really a sign of anything as I have had them all before. I woke yesterday morning feeling great which of course made me feel bad. By the time I had made it to the kitchen I was retching all over the place which made me feel better. Last night I got up twice to pee!

I can’t believe how different his pregnancy is, symptom-wise, to my other pregnancies. I have never been a nocturnal pee’r & to get up twice in one night is something very new to me. I don’t know that I peed like that when I was near the end with D!

I still have 3 weeks to wait to see the Ob (still trying to move the appointment back by a week) and it is a VERY long 3 week wait. We got a lovely letter from the clinic yesterday (to the Ob, CC’ed to us) which outlined the journey to here. The last line was lovely and along the lines of “we wish them the very best in this special pregnancy after a difficult few years”.

So I guess I am discharged and floating in the wilderness of waiting for my Ob appointment.


I am being audited! April 27, 2008

Posted by The Mom in miscarriage, money.
1 comment so far

Last year, towards the end of my brief pregnancy I was issued a Form 12 from the Rev.enue Com.missioners. I started to complete it and then we found out that our baby had died and I descended into the black pit of a second miscarriage in 6 months. Needless to say the form wasn’t completed and quite obviously wasn’t returned.

Part of the reason I didn’t complete it when I started it was because Part 3 of the first section has one space for employers details. Well, in 2005 I had 4 different sources of income – 2 jobs, maternity benefit & unemployment benefit. Within the form I have to complete income, interest on deposits and something else (need to look at the form again) but it is all a PITA that I don’t want to have to deal with.

We have also been asked to provide information on the purchase or sale of properties since January 1st 2002. In that time we have bought 3 places and sold 2 (5 different properties) so I need to get in touch with our old solicitors to get details of the purchases and sales.

AND they want the form back in 10 days! Needless to say I will be on the phone to them tomorrow explaining morning sickness etc and that I will fill it is as soon as possible.

I just hope, at the end of all of this, that we don’t owe them any money because we don’t have any money to give them. AND that they don’t decide to get us to complete the forms for previous/subsequent years too.

Anyhoo, I have a lot of phone calls to make tomorrow.

Quiet whispers April 25, 2008

Posted by The Mom in IVF, Love, pregnancy.

We drove home from Dublin this evening with such peace in the car. Every now and then I would whisper quietly “arms & legs”.

The wait in the hospital was FOREVER. The hospital has this stupid process of giving people an appointment time and then seeing them on a first come, first served basis. We were 20 minutes early for our appointment but were 6th on the list so it was shortly before 2 before we were seen (for our 1.10pm appointment). By the time the woman ahead of me went in I was sitting on a full bladder and was starting to overheat (too many anxious women sitting in the waiting room waiting) and the woman ahead of me was in with the doctor for far.too.long!

We went in, gave the basic IVF details, lay up on the bed, she put the wand on and started waffling about growth since the last scan etc and I said (well, I kinda snapped), “is there a heart beat?” She went on with “we have to make sure that we can see all sorts of things, there is no point telling you there is a heart beat and then have to take it back, blah blah”. She said that the heart was beating, and the baby was the right size. She eventually commented that neither of us had looked and it was only then that she pointed out the monitor at the foot of the bed that we could see the proceedings on. HAHAHA.

The arms and legs were wriggling away and the heart was beating blue & red (all very fancy). M just kept kissing me, the same wet sloppy kisses that he gave me when D was born.

Our next appointment is with the Ob on May 20th.

2 in 1 April 25, 2008

Posted by The Mom in Love, pregnancy.

2 heartbeats continue to beat in my body. The smaller one is the size that it should be. The bigger one is filled with love and (a small amount of) calm. Arms and legs were wiggling and if my camera behaves I may have a picture later.

I am 9 weeks April 24, 2008

Posted by The Mom in miscarriage, pregnancy.

It was 9w on my last pregnancy that I found out that my baby had died. Today is full of mixed emotions for me – hope & fear being the most powerful ones. I bawled my way through my prayers last night.

I now have 24 hours to wait until my scan with every symptom going. I am very nauseated, tired, breast tenderness, emtionally labile, heartburn, hunger – it just doesn’t end.

April 23, 2008

Posted by The Mom in miscarriage.

Another baby was lost today to a heartbeatless scan. Not my baby but that doesn’t matter. A 7 IVF veteran who had never made it to the 7w scan let alone an 8w one found out today that her baby died at the weekend. I am paralysed with fear. She is living my nightmare right now.

I have less than 40hrs to wait now. We are going to Dublin tomorrow night so that I don’t have to travel on Friday morning. I am still not great in the mornings.

I am yet again making a mental list of all the things that I will do if something goes wrong at the scan. I can’t stop myself doing it. Just like planning dates for any intervention that might need to happen.

My house has looked like a bomb hit it since the birthday party last Friday and M is doing a wonderful job of keeping on top of things but there are dishes and toys everywhere. The former I am sworn off dealing with and the latter I see no point in tidying because they will all be pulled out again 10 minutes later. My cleaner is coming tomorrow and while the prep work for her coming is a PITA (putting away toys, sorting laundry etc) is a royal PITA I love how the house is when she is done. Plus because we are going to Dublin tomorrow night we will come home to a clean house YEAH!

I am so scared about Friday it hurts. I want to get into bed and stay there. I know not having a scan wouldn’t make things any better, heck I would just spend longer wondering if this baby had died too. But thinking about the scan room and the process and the dread of hearing “I am very sorry” again makes me want to puke.

I am slipping April 21, 2008

Posted by The Mom in pregnancy.

A post every other day? I am slipping. Not good enough. I am just too darned tired to get anything written these days.

Can I just say that I love Excel and what I love all the more is when I learn something new in Excel. Today I learned “=NOW()”. I already knew about “=TODAY()” but the time element of
“=NOW()” has allowed me to at the click of the return button know that it is 87hrs42mins til my scan 🙂

I thought that the scan was due to be at 3pm but decided today that I should ring to confirm because I know for a fact that I wasn’t paying attention the day that the appointment was made. It turns out I was wrong and the scan is at 1.10pm in the “Reassurance Clinic”. What a lovely name for a clinic! This means I have cut 2 hours off the waiting time for the scan which of course is a good thing but I still have 87hrs39mins til my scan (which tells you that it took 3 minutes to write what I just wrote).

My PJ’s aren’t staying up so well any more. My knickers haven’t been staying up on their own for a while. My sweatshirts aren’t coming down over my belly so well. I can’t hold the damn thing in any more. I am afraid to say these things in case I go along on Friday and I have once more been imagining symptoms.

I am a big woman, I don’t deny that at all, and that poses a problem for me. Nice, practical, maternity clothes that I would actually be seen dead in have to come from the US. BUT the current season for maternity wear is Summer which means sleeveless tops and capri pants, neither of which I have been known to wear since I was 7. What am I supposed to do in the interim?

Time has passed now and it is only 87hrs til the scan and I must go to bed. I just can’t stay up much past 10pm these days.

I must be mad April 19, 2008

Posted by The Mom in pregnancy.
1 comment so far

I am 8w2d pregnant, exhausted, nauseated all the time and I agreed to mind my niece, along with D, for 3 hours this afternoon and Lord forgive me but the girl can whine! I will say this to her mother when she gets back so I have qualms about saying it here. D has lost it a few times (I am not claiming he is a perfect child or easy to look after) and she announces every little while that she doesn’t want anyone to look at her. Give me peace!

My sister is due back in 25 minutes but I am not holding my breath that she will be anyway close to being on time.

I need a nap!

One of these days April 17, 2008

Posted by The Mom in Love, parenting, party, pregnancy.
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Some day soon it won’t be 11 at night when I think about writing something down.

My boys are 3 & 37 today. It was a day of mixed emotions for a variety of reasons. All in all it was good but I am tired now.

We gave D the next installment of his kitchen (he got a sink & cooker for Christmas and we gave him the dishwasher and fridge today) and he is delighted. The dishwasher is full of dishes and the fridge is full of velcro vegetables. He got a real tool set from M’s parents and is happy to empty it and then refill it for now 🙂

I am such a bad wife & mother that I didn’t get either of them a card and didn’t get M a present. He assured me that my all day long morning sickness was gift enough and that once I stayed this way he would be happy.

Tonight he cleared off the kitchen table, moved paperwork out of the dining room and rearranged furniture so that I wouldn’t have to do anything for the party tomorrow. He is a sweet man.

I tried to cut off my finger with a bread knife earlier. I was cutting open a roll and sliced down into my left index finger. I put a plaster on it and it bled, bled, bled. I had forgotten about the effect of the aspirin & heparin and when I remembered I gave myself an hour to stop bleeding or I was going to the hospital. It took 30 minutes which was a little scary. M was concerned that I would go into shock!

I am sitting on the couch and I feel sick so I am afraid to move but I know I have to go to bed, if for no other reason than I want to read some of my book. Regardless of book reading I need to sleep because I have a long day tomorrow.

Did I tell you all that “Kid” is visiting tomorrow? I am so excited. Of course I am looking forward to seeing his parents and older sister but I am really excited about a new baby cuddle.

I still have 7.5 days to wait until my next scan and the time is dragging. Unbelievably so. I can’t get over how slow time has been since Monday. I had thought that I would “zip” through this week because there were things to do etc but no. Hopefully the weekend will be faster.

My sister & niece are coming to stay for the weekend. It will be interesting having the two kids in close quarters for so long and more interesting to be minding them on my own for a while (my sister has some appointments in town this weekend).

3 years ago April 16, 2008

Posted by The Mom in pregnancy.

Three years ago this morning I was induced. D was given his marching orders and I began a 27 hour labouring process. He was born the next day, on his fathers birthday.

Someone asked me in a comment about relaxing in this pregnancy. I don’t know if or when it will happen. For now I am lurching from scan to scan which is not a happy way to live but it is the only way I know right now.

My pelvis is full. Today I felt all about it.

I have a raspberry seed stuck under my gum between my left upper canine & 1st premolar and is bugging the shit out of me. If it is still up in there on Friday I am going to the dentist.