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On the other hand January 27, 2009

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One handed typing is not very conducive to blogging. We have a week left before we go away & I have SO much to do, including hiring a car, which I must do now.


With joy January 23, 2009

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Today we visited with the little girl and the little boy who are here. Both a joy to behold.

With sadness January 21, 2009

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A little boy & a little girl are 2 today but they are not here today

2 weeks & counting January 20, 2009

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My baggage is laid out, my lists are made, my shopping has begun & we are counting down.  Passports are in, DoHS prespproval is applied for, new driving licence is sorted.  I am starting to feel a little organised but I am sure that feeling will pass quickly.

Infant bondage January 13, 2009

Posted by The Mom in family, parenting.

If J is not wrapped up, preferably in a sling, he cannot sleep without startling himself.  As a result he rarely sleeps in the car but can sleep for hours, like now, tied to my chest.

D is a new child, and the house is a happy one, since we started setting realistic limits and pointing out to him who is the boss in the house.  Just now he has gone into the kitchen to get a cloth to have his face and hands washed for bed.  He was not asked to go, he offered and I accepted.  He is killed telling me that he loves me, loves J, loves Dadda and we in turn assure him that we love him too.

In 2 weeks it will be 5 years since we started our first IVF cycle and 2009 is the first year since 2002 that hasn’t involved trying to make or grow a baby.  I am strangely feeling the absence of IVF in my life.  I had my 6 week check yesterday.  J was 7 weeks but last week was just too close to New Year to venture to Dublin.  Up until Friday of last week I was sure the appointment was on Tuesday at 1.45.  On Friday I rang the hospital to confirm but I got a machine.  On Saturday morning I was lying in bed thinking “I remember when they gave me the appointment thinking “He was born on Monday and my review is Monday, isn’t that nice” so maybe the appointment is not on Tuesday afterall.  I rang the hospital and they were able to tell me that my appointment was in fact on Monday at 1.30, not Tuesday at 1.45.  I am glad I rang!

At the appointment the Ob checked that my uterus is back where it should be, it is, so according to him I can do situps again – again?  when did I do them in the first place?  He checked that my pelvic floor is in tact and that I am not in the height of post natal depression.  Then he asked me about contraception and reminded me that breastfeeding isn’t a guaranteed contraceptive and we should consider the barrier method.  I laughed and asked him if he knew why we did IVF in the first place.  He said he did and that while the chances of a natural pregnancy were small they were still there.  I assured him that I would be delighted to be back as his patient again.  Which leads me to my confession.

I expected J’s arrival to complete me.  To fill the final space in our family.  I expected that even having the frozen embryo.  But he hasn’t.  I adore him, he is one of the 2 most amazing things I have done in my life but I don’t want him to be the last of his kind.  Interestingly nor does M.  We are agreed that other than the frozen cycle there is no more IVF but we are both agreed that if there were a third child to come into this little group of ours we would be happy.

Something made me remember January 5, 2009

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For some reason I thought about this post this evening.  Her daughter & my son were born on the same day.  Congratulations to another baby born after miscarriage.

The Story, Ongoing January 4, 2009

Posted by The Mom in Uncategorized.

It has now been just over a week since I started to regain control in this house and the change is unreal.  I don’t know where to begin.

In the time before, D would randomly hit me, crossing the room to do so on many occasions.  In July I tried, with some success, to get rid of the slapping but it only worked once and the Jelly Beans didn’t work when I tried them a second time.  I tried ignoring it, punishing it, slapping him back (which still makes me feel sick.  I was at the end of my rope and being hit 15 times an hour – hitting included headbutting, kicking both heels into my shin when he was sitting on my knee, pinching, slapping and on one occasion biting me.  That is no excuse, it is just how bad it had gotten).

M doesn’t read books.  It is not that he can’t read, he just doesn’t, so there was no way I was going to get him to read the book.  Instead I had a blow by blow conversation with my sister, the source of the book, about the book, in his company.  The rest he has gleened by example.

In the last week D has dressed himself, in a timely fashion, each day.  I lay it all out & help him with the neckband of his tshirt and jumper because he has a big head and clothes have small neck holes.  He has eaten his meals, at the table, without (for the most part) messing.  He has gotten into the car when I told him to and has started putting on his own shoes.

Yesterday I took both boys to Tesco & got the grocery shopping done without fuss.  The last time I took D to Tesco he ran around the place & shrieked if I tried to stop him.

The significant thing that I can see is the effect that it is all having on M.  His original feelings about the book would have been that it was a load of bo–ocks & because it didn’t work like flicking a switch it obviously wasn’t going to work.  Today, while visiting his grandparents D kicked off & M calmly asked him to go out into the hall for 2 minutes.  At the end of the time M called him back in & asked him if he felt OK now.  D replied that he did, sat down to eat his orange & watched Winnie the Pooh.  M reported that D appeared stunned that M hadn’t gotten cross with him and to me M appeared delighted that he did the time out successfully.

I still haven’t finished reading the book (about 40 pages left) but I feel so positive & love the effect it has had on our home.  I haven’t bothered with “Why didn’t I read it sooner?” because I wasn’t ready to read it then.

During the week I started “deliberately hurting my body with your body gets you 2 minutes on the step”.  I have been hit twice in 4 days.  Both times he spontaneously said sorry & kissed me better after his 2 minutes on the step.

I no longer go to bed hoping that a switch will flick & D will be better/attentive/”normal”.  I go to bed hopeful for the next day because if it is as good as today then I will indeed be blessed.

Let’s Pretend January 3, 2009

Posted by The Mom in Uncategorized.

It has been a long time since I played “I won the Lotto”.  Now that there is no IVF to pay for, the expenditure changes.

I would clear the mortgage on the shop, buy the farm (literally not figuratively) & apply for planning permission for 3000sq ft with geothermal underfloor heating.  I would have LOTS of poly tunnels.

I am sure I would replace my car but with what I don’t know.  I would buy M a new car too but again I don’t know what.

The absolute first thing I would do is get a porch on the front of my house.  It is DAMN cold here right now and there is a gale blowing in through the gaps around my front door.

What would you do?

An admission of guilt January 1, 2009

Posted by The Mom in Uncategorized.

18 months ago, in the middle of the black time after my second miscarraige, I started to let D walk all over me for an easy life and so as not to agitate M.  Then I did 3 cycles back to back and was pregnant at the end of the 3rd.  Pregnancy brought with it its own problems & a continued desire for an easy life.  I ended November with a new baby & a 3.5 year old who could but wouldn’t tidy up after himself, dress himself & many days feed himself.  He has a will of iron & coming back from letting him away with most everything is hard.  Admitting that I needed to do something about it was even harder.  I felt like asking for help or telling anyone what was happening was, as the title says, an admission of guilt.

On Christmas Day we were OK but by 6 o’clock on St Stephens Day our little family & its festive celebration had turned into a train wreck of epic proportions.  M was livid with D, I was upset for a variety of reasons, one of which being the fact that D would not do one thing I told him to & if I attempted to “punish” him (by the removal of a toy etc) he would bargain with me or come back with the threat of retaliation and D was loving the attention regardless of whether it was good or bad.  I felt like I was drowning & didn’t know how to even begin fixing the situation.

My sister had bought me a book a while ago – Setting Limits with Your Strong-Willed Child – which I put on a shelf because reading it would have meant admitting that there was something wrong & if there was something wrong then it was my fault.

On Christmas Day I picked up the book, feeling sick doing so, and read 50 pages!  I read another 50 the next day and I swear the man could have been writing the book about us!  While he directs the reader not to implement anything until they are finished reading it is hard not to watch what is actually happening & not to change things.

D is a dawdler.  He would do anything sooner than dress/eat/put his shoes on/get into the car etc.  On Saturday morning I laid out his clothes & set the timer for 20 minutes.  I told him that if he wasn’t dressed when the alarm went off a jigsaw was going up.  He did EVERYTHING but get dressed.  The alarm went off, he was still in his PJ’s & the jigsaw went up.  I reset the alarm, told him that if he wasn’t dressed when the alarm went off another jigsaw was going up & M would dress him (M takes no prisoners when it comes to dressing).   Again he did anything but get dressed.  The alarm went off, he was still in his PJ’s & the jigsaw went up & I told him that as soon as M came downstairs after he had brushed his teeth he would dress D.  D lost it.  He insisted he would dress himself & he did.

This morning I laid out his clothes, set the timer, told him it was time to get dressed & what the consequence would be if he weren’t dressed.  5 minutes later he was fully dressed without being distracted by anything & the timer was turned off.  I thanked him, congratulated him & told him that I was very proud of him.

We are a LONG way from where I want us to be but I can see us getting there.  Today I have hope.