How I Feel I Look & What’s Going On With Us October 20, 2009Posted by Laura in Uncategorized.
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I am off track. Completely. I can’t figure out why I am sabotaging myself left right and centre. I felt the same as I approached the 200lbs mark but it didn’t last long. Now I am lighter than M which only happened once, for one day, 8 years ago and I don’t have the push to get me to the finish line.
I have 17lbs more to go to hit my WW goal and as much as I want to hit it for Christmas week I am not going to get there by doing what I am doing. Yet I cannot convince myself to stay on track for longer than a week. Twice in the last 6 weeks I have super strict stuck to the program and I lost 2lbs one week and 2.5lbs the other. But I can’t keep it together to stay on the path to what I want. I need to lose 3.5lbs a fortnight between now and Christmas.
I think in part I am afraid of the foreverness of being at my goal weight. I am also aware of the fact that my sisters got to their goal weights earlier this year and have (for their own reasons) not stayed at (or near) it since then. I am afraid that I will hit my goal and then start heading back upwards which is something that I don’t want. Maybe I have a little bit of “If I never get there then my failure will be less bad”, preempting the inevitable that may not actually be inevitable.
D, M and I were playing sword fighting earlier and I know that the only reason I could do it is because I am this size.
Interestingly M and I had our cholesterol checked recently (with our lovely new GP who deserves an post all of his own), mine was 4.8, M’s was 5.7. I would love to know what it was before I started WW and he started eating better by association. As part of the medical that the GP did they checked my BMI which, fully dressed with my runners on, was 28 and the nurse told me that they would rather see it closer to 25. I assured her that it was 38.8 when I got pregnant and that I was on my way to 25.
I love that I feel better. I love that I can wear skinny clothes and look well in them. I love that I see myself in the mirror and I don’t cringe. I don’t love the wobbly belly that I feel when I lie in bed at night. Nor do I love the fat at the top of the inside of my thighs.
When I wear jeans I feel that I look well. When I wear tracksuit bottoms I don’t. I associate tracksuit bottoms with being over weight. On Saturday we had chipper for dinner which I went to collect. I was surprised to find myself thinking about the fact that when I was heavier I felt embarrassed going into the chipper. I was applying my own feelings onto those around me thinking “going to the chipper is what got her into that position in the first place”. On Saturday I felt like an ordinary person feeling no guilt or shame for having a snack box for my dinner.
Can you guess that J is asleep in M’s arms rather than in mine? He fell asleep while I was upstairs with D and is perfectly content in M’s arms which means I have two hands to type which is a complete luxury these days.
He has started pulling to stand, at everything. On Sunday I looked around to see the tiniest finger tips curving over the top of the kitchen table and there he was hanging on for dear life. He will be 11 months at the end of the week. I can’t believe how fast the year has gone.
D moved into his own bed 2 weeks ago and starts the night in his own bed every night. The earliest he has come in to me is 11.15, the latest was 7am (I didn’t know myself that night). He has asked me several times in the last little while when we are going to see you again so here I am asking when we are going to see you again…
M’s business is thriving and we are hoping to close on the purchase of our small holding by the end of the week. We are getting chickens (for eggs) for our back garden in the Spring and will get a polytunnel onto the land as soon as possible.
So there we are. All of our news.
The landscape of my life October 19, 2009Posted by Laura in Uncategorized.
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I have started so many posts in my head recently and not gotten them down in print. J is pulling to stand at everything now so I am babyproofing on the hoof. Today my couch was cleared off because he figured out yesterday that he can pull up at it. Oh this part of normal development is not my favourite!
He is eating for the Nation and teething as though his life were dependent on it. He still has no teeth but has tipped over 19lbs which means he put on 5lbs in the first 8 months of his life and 5lbs in the next 3!
I am busy sewing Christmas decorations for the fair that my mother & I are doing next month and was delighted to find today that I have way more finished than I thought I had.
I have now lost 4st 7lbs and am a stones throw away from my first big goal, a BMI of 25. 11lbs more will have me there 🙂 11lbs is such a small amount, it feels so near.
I put on a tshirt last week and knew straight away, before I even pulled it down, that it was an 18 and I knew that I wouldn’t be wearing it again.
Housekeeping October 7, 2009Posted by Laura in Uncategorized.
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Yesterday M & I moved some couches and a bed from our house to my PIL’s house leaving lots of space in our house. YAY! There is a lot of sorting to be done here but there was no room to sort anything. Now there is 🙂
The first bit of sorting involved moving the filing cabinet from the room that should have been D’s into the spare room. It is ultimately going into the study downstairs where it will live under the printer. As soon as I told D that we were going to move the filing cabinet he said “Then I can sleep in my bed. Can I sleep in it tonight?” I told him that he could as that is why I was moving the filing cabinet. So, he is up there under his Spide.rman bedding, cuddling Dolly, with his own lamp and his own white noise. He is delighted with himself. He and M had a lovely long chat at bedtime about what he could do with his room. He decided there should be a sign on the door reading:
This is D.C.
I have assured him that he doesn’t have to let J into his room if he doesn’t want to. That he will have his own stuff in his own room. I told him I will empty the wardrobe so that he can store his toys there. He has drawers for his clothes (which we will move in tomorrow) & a box for his costumes. He has been told that if he wakes in the night and is lonely he can come into either M or I for a cuddle. Here’s to his first night in his own room.
Today was a beautiful day. Before I knew it was a beautiful day I had a laundry schedule which meant I should wash the white towels this morning so I washed the white towels. They went out onto the washing line and put on a dark load figuring that if the weather turned the dark load would be the one to dry inside. They went out onto the washing line and put on another dark load figuring that if the weather turned it would be the one to dry inside. And they went out onto the line too. I put my new Girasol wrap on to wash & it made it out onto the washing line too. As I aired the last of them this evening I thought of Caz as I now I have 7 loads of washing to fold & sort but there is only one load of washing waiting to be done and I will take 7 to sort/1 to wash over 1 to sort/7 to wash. D helped me to fold the quilt cover today which was a lovely cute experience (which we get to repeat tomorrow LOL).
Late in the afternoon J headed off to investigate and I heard him patting the bottom step. He has, in the last few days, learned to pull to stand at low objects and how to get into high kneeling to play. He learned this at the bottom step so I wasn’t overly concerned. When I heard the distress call I headed out to help him out of high kneeling only to discover him kneeling on the bottom step, patting the second step. WOAH!!! Wait. Where is my baby gone?
J gained 5lbs1oz in the first 8 months of his life. Then he had his posterior tongue tie released. In the 2.5 months since the release he has gained 4lbs3.5oz! He is positively chubby 🙂 He has taken a liking to toast. Yesterday morning I gave him rice cake which he ate. Then I made D some toast & offered J more rice cake. He handed it back to me and then he grunted towards the toast, which he went on to eat in its entirity.
Tomorrow is my WW WI. I am almost entirely relying on breastfeeding to lose weight at the moment. It is not a pattern that can continue. I need to get out of this funk. My sister was given a “community tracker” in WW last week (cause she is in a funk too). It is given to a different member each week and they track (the good and the bad) and pass it on. There is a record made of the loss (or gain) in that week. It lets members see what worked for others (and what didn’t) and it also gives people ideas. I am going to ask my leader in the morning if she has a community tracker and if she doesn’t suggest she starts one, with me being the first week. I think it will kick me up the ass, at least for a week. My sister lost 3.5lbs with her CT last week.
Not a good month October 6, 2009Posted by Laura in Uncategorized.
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6 years ago yesterday I had a laparoscopy to check if everything was where it should be before we started IVF.
3 years ago yesterday I had my first ERPC.
3 years ago at the end of the month my brother agreed to stay in a mental health facility so that my sister could get some sleep.
In those 6 years we did 7 IVF’s with one more ahead of us.
In those 3 years I got pregnant 2 more times and lost another baby, but I got to keep one too – something I am truely grateful for.
In those 3 years my brother has learned to want something again, become able to commit to something that lasts longer than the rest of the week. Last weekend he was reelected as President of the sports body that he is involved in. On Monday he started a PhD.
I am dealing with a lot of 3rd baby envy at the moment, which is not fun. I keep dreaming I am pregnant again and end up waking sad and disappointed. Part of me even feels disappointed with the fact that IVF #8 is so far away but the logical part of my brain knows that it is when it is for a set of very good reasons. I have said it before but I wouldn’t mind the wait if I knew what the outcome would be.
Widow Twankie October 6, 2009Posted by Laura in Uncategorized.
The central heating is back on and therefore the tumble dryer is off limits! I reckon there are 11 loads of laundry to do in a week so I did up a schedule to get them all washed and dried (in the house) without having to use the dryer. Obviously if it is a fine day I wash what I can and get it dried outdoors (like today) but on an ordinary day I can get 2 loads dried (one through the day, one over night). The logistics of scheduling laundry is not as straight forward as I thought. J’s washes obviously have to be 3 days or so apart, as do his nappy washes. The bedding gets changed on Tuesday so I figured it should be washed straight away to get it out of the way. Then I remembered that the towels & face cloths get washed in with the bedding and J goes through MANY MANY face cloths in a week so the bedding needs to be washed like the nappies a few days apart. So, I have a schedule. Now I need to stick to it 🙂
I never thought I would be happy and content to have a laundry scedule but it fills me with peace because I would count up what was to be washed, realise that there are 4 or 6 loads of washing and I am paralysed by not knowing where to start washing them. Right now there are 4 loads of washing in the house waiting to be done but I am not distressed about it.
It was easier to be fat October 3, 2009Posted by Laura in Uncategorized.
Well, it was! I could wear a pair of jeans four days in a row and not be bothered. I could easily wear the same long sleeved tshirt two days in a row without it looking any worse than it did the day it went on me. I didn’t iron my clothes. I shook and folded stuff out of the tumble dryer and that was enough for me. I wore tracksuit bottoms – a lot! They were easier and hid all of the lumps and bumps.
Now it is a different story. Jeans & tshirts are no longer tumble dried. They are line dried and ironed. Jeans are worn for two days max. Shirts are single day events. Thankfully I found tshirts on special (2 for €7) so I bought 16’s before I needed them (and then needed them sooner than I thought I would). I have one pair of tracksuit bottoms that I wear in the evening when I am done wearing jeans. I rarely wear them in public.
It is exhausting no longer being fat! J doesn’t like ironing at all so I get 3 items done at the time which is wearing me out as the board has to be put away every time so he doesn’t pull it down on top of himself! Oy!
I lost another 2lbs this week for a total of 59.5lbs since I started WW in February. On Wednesday morning I weighed myself at home and I was 12st 13.5lbs. I don’t remember ever being 12st anything before. My new 34″ waist jeans are getting to be not so “just the right size”. I am not sure what I will do when they are completely not the right size, but I will deal with that when I get to it.
I have 20.5lbs to go to my WW goal. I am not the biggest person in the room at WW by a long shot. On Thursday, at my weigh in, I felt like I was just one of the many women with 1.5 – 2 stone to lose going to WW. My BMI is 27.6, down from 38.8 when I got pregnant, and I feel great. I know exactly where the 20lbs are and where I am happy for them to be gone from which is so much better than no knowing where to begin with 80lbs.