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How I Feel I Look & What’s Going On With Us October 20, 2009

Posted by Laura in Uncategorized.
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I am off track. Completely. I can’t figure out why I am sabotaging myself left right and centre. I felt the same as I approached the 200lbs mark but it didn’t last long. Now I am lighter than M which only happened once, for one day, 8 years ago and I don’t have the push to get me to the finish line.

I have 17lbs more to go to hit my WW goal and as much as I want to hit it for Christmas week I am not going to get there by doing what I am doing. Yet I cannot convince myself to stay on track for longer than a week. Twice in the last 6 weeks I have super strict stuck to the program and I lost 2lbs one week and 2.5lbs the other. But I can’t keep it together to stay on the path to what I want. I need to lose 3.5lbs a fortnight between now and Christmas.

I think in part I am afraid of the foreverness of being at my goal weight. I am also aware of the fact that my sisters got to their goal weights earlier this year and have (for their own reasons) not stayed at (or near) it since then. I am afraid that I will hit my goal and then start heading back upwards which is something that I don’t want. Maybe I have a little bit of “If I never get there then my failure will be less bad”, preempting the inevitable that may not actually be inevitable.

D, M and I were playing sword fighting earlier and I know that the only reason I could do it is because I am this size.

Interestingly M and I had our cholesterol checked recently (with our lovely new GP who deserves an post all of his own), mine was 4.8, M’s was 5.7. I would love to know what it was before I started WW and he started eating better by association. As part of the medical that the GP did they checked my BMI which, fully dressed with my runners on, was 28 and the nurse told me that they would rather see it closer to 25. I assured her that it was 38.8 when I got pregnant and that I was on my way to 25.

I love that I feel better. I love that I can wear skinny clothes and look well in them. I love that I see myself in the mirror and I don’t cringe. I don’t love the wobbly belly that I feel when I lie in bed at night. Nor do I love the fat at the top of the inside of my thighs.

When I wear jeans I feel that I look well. When I wear tracksuit bottoms I don’t. I associate tracksuit bottoms with being over weight. On Saturday we had chipper for dinner which I went to collect. I was surprised to find myself thinking about the fact that when I was heavier I felt embarrassed going into the chipper. I was applying my own feelings onto those around me thinking “going to the chipper is what got her into that position in the first place”. On Saturday I felt like an ordinary person feeling no guilt or shame for having a snack box for my dinner.

Can you guess that J is asleep in M’s arms rather than in mine? He fell asleep while I was upstairs with D and is perfectly content in M’s arms which means I have two hands to type which is a complete luxury these days.

He has started pulling to stand, at everything. On Sunday I looked around to see the tiniest finger tips curving over the top of the kitchen table and there he was hanging on for dear life. He will be 11 months at the end of the week. I can’t believe how fast the year has gone.

D moved into his own bed 2 weeks ago and starts the night in his own bed every night. The earliest he has come in to me is 11.15, the latest was 7am (I didn’t know myself that night). He has asked me several times in the last little while when we are going to see you again so here I am asking when we are going to see you again…

M’s business is thriving and we are hoping to close on the purchase of our small holding by the end of the week. We are getting chickens (for eggs) for our back garden in the Spring and will get a polytunnel onto the land as soon as possible.

So there we are. All of our news.

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Comments»

1. Lorna - October 21, 2009

Hi there,

I am in a similar position in that I have lost x amout of weight and can’t for the life of me get motivated to start losing the rest. Haven’t gained anything which is something I guess but would really love to be size 12 which would only be three quarters of a stone or so. Ho hum….

I know exactly what you mean about the chipper – I have gone from being Lorna the “big” girl to just Lorna and that is a fantastic feeling. Well done to you 🙂

Congratulations on your imminent land ownership.


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