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A matter of intent February 28, 2010

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I can’t believe how easy it has been, over the last few days, to make up my mind and stick to it. Nothing wishy washy. There has been no

It would be great
I’d really like
I think I’ll

It has been

I will
I am

Today there was popcorn in the car for eating after we were finished sowing and growing on our small holding and I decided to have a little bit and that is all I had. I really enjoyed the banana I brought for myself. I also really enjoyed the 1km walk I went on around the small holding to get J to sleep on my back. There is nothing like walking with a 24lbs baby on your back to get your heart beating 🙂

The fact that I have decided the weight that I will be on the boys birthday is influencing a lot of what I am doing. That and the fact that I am sick of paying Weigh.t Watch.ers €10 a week when I can go free once I have lost 7lbs.


It’s a matter of language February 28, 2010

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I have decided to stop using the following terms in relation to weight loss:

I should
I hope
I want
I wish
I could
I need

I am sure there are a few more but they can and will all be replaced by:

I will

I will lose the remaining 15lbs to get me to 155lbs
I will be 160lbs on my husband’s 39th & my sons 5th birthday
I will stop overeating on Thursday
I will control my binge compulsions
I will eat less processed food
I will eat fruit & vegetables every day

I will succeed.

Everything is not as it seems February 23, 2010

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I have been punching numbers into a budget planner for the last few hours and officially we live within our means, even with only one income but it is not actually working that way.

I should have done this a long time ago but I didn’t. I certainly should have done it before I started thinking about staying off work for extra time.

Now I know that we *can* live on one income I have to make it happen. I have changed our mobile phone plans, checked out the cost of our house insurance (which is coming in €200 cheaper than the renewal!), looked at the “features” of our health insurance and have noted the changes that need to be made.

I am getting scared by the number of things that I am remembering that I spend. Like road tolls & government ATM card duties.

6 years ago today February 22, 2010

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I had my first egg retreival. I had another 4 over the next 4 years but that first one, so filled with hope, is so memorable. I can recall every detail of it, down to the socks I was wearing. Heck I even know what knickers I was wearing.

D was made that day. He went on to be frozen for 5 months and I brought him home, inside me on July 17th 2004, and home on the outside on April 19th 2005.

I know where I was while he was being made. I slept on the couch in our home in Dublin while M did the dishwasher. He minded me. Cared for me. Fed me, made me tea, asked me over and over if I was OK, if I needed anything. It was such a hope filled but scary day.

It has been a rollercoaster 6 years.

I am sat in my bed now with my nearly 5 year old in the next room and my 15 month old starfish sleeping in the middle of the bed beside me.

In this moment of quiet, with all of my boys asleep, I am thinking of my last IVF, the one that is yet to come. We have talked about the possibility of doing more than one but we are agreed that while we would like another baby our family does not have what it takes, personally, emotionally, spiritually, financially to deal with the imact of more IVF. We do not want to be in this position again, having a small baby with frozen embryos, trying to make the timing decisions again. So we will do one more, pray, hope, will for it to be successful and possibly go to our graves without the child that we would like.

IVF is invading my thoughts more and more these days, but that is something for another day.

This post has had so many titles February 21, 2010

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I have been writing this post in my head for about 36 hours and it kept having different titles to the point where I couldn’t decide on one 🙂

The possible titles were:

– Letting go of resentment
– Ask & Ye shall receive
– If you don’t ask, you don’t get
– Widower Twanky

Looking at those titles I almost feel the need to not write any more as the content of the post really is summarised by the titles.

I went to stay with my sister for a few days at the end of last week because her daughter (the same age as D) was on mid term break from school. When I arrived in her house (Thursday afternoon, following a very successful trip to the izoo) I set up 4 delayed text messages to M. I told him what laundry I wanted washed/dried/aired, that I wanted the bin emptied and that it was time to get up (D is his alarm clock but I had D with me therefore no alarm clock). Before now I might have asked for one load of laundry, if I remembered to ask at all and so many times I have been resentful of him for doing no laundry while I was away because surely he should know that there are 5 loads of washing to be done and that they aren’t going to do themselves. But he doesn’t know. It simply doesn’t occur to him to check. I am in no way speaking ill of him. Laundry simply isn’t on his radar, full stop and as soon as I realised, and accepted that, it became easier to come home to no laundry being done but also to actually ask him to do it. So I did. I asked him to wash & dry 4 loads of washing. I was gone for 50 hours & he did all of the laundry that I asked him to do. To say I was impressed is an understatement.

Yesterday was our 8th wedding anniversary & we went out for dinner. My sister, with whom we had stayed on Thursday & Friday, came home with us yesterday and baby sat for us. It was the first time we had been out for dinner since just after I got pregnant with J.

I feel so much more content & at peace in our marriage now than I have done for a while. My husband has been wearing his wedding ring for 26 hours now. I asked him to put it on when we were going out to dinner last night (he doesn’t wear it because it is too big – we are both lighter than when we got married) and he has kept it on 🙂

He wants a divorce February 16, 2010

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I am not the woman he married. This coming Saturday is our 8th wedding anniversary. When we got married I was 17 stone. I have always said that if he married me for my housekeeping skills he married the wrong woman.

Now I am 12 stone. I like keeping the kitchen clean. I like decluttering. I bake bread every day. I have cut the number of take aways/dine out dinners to one a week. I realised recently that we were having chinese on Monday and it wasn’t particularly very nice but it was “only” €20 so we continued. A little quick math turned €20 a week into €520 in 6 months. Yee gads! That’s a lot of money. So we have stopped having chinese.

Yesterday my friend P gave me an apron for my birthday. I am sad to say that I am delighted with it. Who would have thought that I would be happy to get an apron as a gift 🙂 I gifted the same woman rye & caraway bread and she is now in love with my baking and wants to come and live with us HAHAHA.

I haven’t bought bread in 3 weeks and it is saving me a fortune. I used to go to Supe.rValu every few days to get bread and while I was there I would pick up x, y & z. Not stuff that we actually needed or couldn’t go without (because I will still go to the supermarket for that) but random stuff. Now that I am not buying bread I have been to Supe.rValu twice in 3 weeks. Saying that I need to go today to get dishwasher powder. Not going to the supermarket is also cutting out the amount of junk food that I am exposed to and therefore able to buy.

A place for my flours February 14, 2010

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That is not a typo.

It is St. Valentines Day and there are no flowers in my house. We do not celebrate this particular Hallmark Holiday as it is stuck between my birthday (last weekend) and our wedding anniversary (next weekend).

There is however lots of flour in my house. At the moment I have plain, rye, whole wheat, semolina and maize. I am waiting for my Vital Wheat Gluten to arrive from the US so that I can justify going out to get more, different, flours 🙂

This weekend I am baking rye with caraway seeds. It is yummy. Tomorrow I am baking bread sticks.

What I am excited about is trying out the stuffed sandwich loaf in Healthy Bread in 5 Minutes Per Day. I will take photos 🙂

Over Doughse February 11, 2010

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I discovered this evening that my lovely super dough box from IKEA isn’t big enough for 6lbs of dough. I tamed the dough back into the box, cleaned up the side of the box and scraped the over run off the counter.

Guess work is not good February 11, 2010

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This evening we had chipper for dinner. On my way ome from collecting it I realised that there wasn’t enough bread baked to get us through to 10am on Saturday morning (after M goes to work) and there also wasn’t enough dough made to bake enough to get us through to 10am on Saturday morning. It was already 7.15 at that point and the thought of making dough filled me with dread. There was just no way I could squeeze making a new batch of dough into the evening, but it had to be done. The ask grew in my brain while I ate my dinner. All the while I was aware that the dishwasher was clean and needed to be emptied.

Then I got up, washed my hands and 5 minutes later the dough was sitting there waiting to rise. Today it is rye bread with caraway seeds 🙂 I spent that 5 minutes thinking about the dishwasher.

When it was finished I put the porridge on & emptied the dishwasher. It was almost finished by the time the porridge had had it’s 2m20s in the microwave.

Yet another job that was bigger when I guessed how long it would take rather than just getting on and doing it.

The biggest guess work of the day is positively laughable. I think I blogged in November about the small holding that we bought. For a variety of reasons I didn’t follow up with getting the electricity supply transferred out of the vendors name (although it is their responsibility to close their account, not mine). Yesterday I contacted the electricity company (ESB)and was told I need the Meter Point Registration Number, which I got this morning. When I spoke with the rep on the phone she explained that the meter reading had been estimated 42 times. Yes. 42 times. The meter is read 6 times a year so it hasn’t been read in 7 years! She told me that system couldn’t change the account over because of the “significant discrepancy” between the estimated reading and the actual reading I had just given her. The significant discrepancy turned out to be in the region of 12,000 units! That is a closing bill of €1,500 being sent to the previous owner, via her solicitor as I don’t have a forwarding address for her.

Needless to say I have let my solicitor know about the situation in case someone decides to imply that we have been running million candle light lamps & clocking up a major electricity bill.

Now it’s time to fill the dishwasher & get ready for bed.

And Ruth, it is not weird that you think of me. Lorna thinks of me when she sees her dishwasher 🙂

No desire February 10, 2010

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For months I have had date bars on a Thursday. I make them on Wednesday, eat them on Thursday. I would think about making them from, maybe Tuesday. Last week I wondered if I actually wanted them. This week I have no desire to make them.

I am 7lbs away from my goal weight and 10 days away from a year since I joined WW.

I feel fatter now than I did 2 stone ago. I am dreadfully bloated in the evening time which doesn’t help with how I feel.