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On the up & up June 29, 2010

Posted by Laura in Uncategorized.
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When I was fat I knew I was fat.  My belly got in the way when I bent down so I bent down knowing that it would either get in the way or I should move to avoid it.  My thighs rubbed and that was how it was.  The skin at the bottom of my belly was always in contact with the skin it over lay.  In the Summer it got sweaty and irritated and sore.  In the Winter it was OK.  It was all part of being the size that I was and while I knew that I was fat I didn’t feel fat, probably in part because I didn’t know any different.

Over the last 8 weeks, since we moved into our borrowing house, I gained 8lbs, having gained 5lbs in the 7 weeks before that.  In the last few weeks I have felt fat.  I am aware of the shape of my belly, aware that my skinny jeans just shouldn’t be worn in public and it was getting me down but I was stuck in a cycle of being there but not having the uumph to do anything about it.

At the start of the weekend I realised that I have very few people left to make the big Reveal to and oh boy to I love peoples reactions (going back to work has been full of them, many unexpected, and it feels fantastic).  Two big Reveals that I have for certain this year are my solicitor in August (we haven’t seen each other in years because we moved and she moved and everything is done by post now) and the doctor in Sims at the end of the year.  Oh, wait.  I also have Gypsy next month.  Anyway, back to the point I was making.  I am seeing my solicitor in 6 weeks and at the rate I was going I could easily gain another 7lbs in that time and at that point I would no longer be in most of my jeans and certainly wouldn’t be referred to as thin any more and I don’t like that thought.

I still want to be 153lbs.  Even if I go there and come back here because I prefer it here I want to know what there is like before I settle on here.

Confession time.  I have been compulsively over eating and binge eating for weeks.  I don’t eat a biscuit.  I don’t trust myself with a pack of biscuits because I can easily eat half a pack without stopping for a breath.  I have been dashboard dining again which is not good.  I can eat a bag of NCF jellies on my way to Dublin and pretend like it didn’t happen.  Then I would eat a back of sugar pop corn on the way home and again pretend like nothing happened.  Is it any wonder I am almost a stone heavier than I was when I hit my goal.

I haven’t used my gold card once in Weight Watchers because I am embarrassed to go back and be more than 5lbs over my goal.

On Saturday I stopped.  I stopped buying the food.  I stopped eating the food.  I didn’t stop hunting for it or thinking about it but I put my foot down when it came to allowing the compulsion to over come me.  I have been in shops that have dark chocolate rice cakes and jelly snakes and have bought neither, not because I didn’t want to but because I am, at present, incapable of moderation.  Once the pack is open it is all eaten.

I haven’t been pointing what I am eating but I haven’t been eating between meals, which is a big change for me.  After only a few days I am already down 2.5lbs and am feeling positive about the prospect of reaching my personal target.

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