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Can You Hear The Drums Fernando? February 8, 2016

Posted by Laura in Uncategorized.
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We waked my father at home.  He had a varied taste in music and his iPod could play for almost 12.5 days without repeating a track.

We played his music in the room with him, even through the night, while we had him at home that last time.

People visited.  Spent time with my father, my mother, my siblings, me.  They talked of golf ball markers and a dance hall in the 1960’s.

The music played the whole time.

I sat with him a few times.  I sat on the left side of the coffin.  Sitting there, looking at the left side of his face, he looked like himself.  He had no glasses on and it looked like he was just “resting his eyes”.  He never slept in the arm chair.  He was only ever “resting his eyes”.

The music played each time I sat with him.

I was overwhelmed by sadness.  Racked with guilt for the things unsaid.  At pains to find the thing that was bugging me, the thing I needed to say before they closed the lid of the treasure chest, locking him inside forever.

The music played while I figured out what I needed to say.

Then I remembered.  I apologised for embarrassing him when I left my husband.  I apologised for not saying it while he was alive.  My heart broke a little more.  I cried a lot more.

Then, to my right, almost too low to hear, the iPod changed tracks and from the speakers came “Can you hear the drums Fernando?”

I made my peace with my father in that moment.

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