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It’s midnight and I can’t sleep January 11, 2012

Posted by Laura in Uncategorized.
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The outcome of my counselling session today was that I don’t have an inner child, I have an outer field. When I am alone in my field I talk to it. I am honest with it. I speak out loud, just speaking my mind. It has no voice and therefore no opinion, carries no judgement and is unable to critique.

I am lying here thinking about it. Before we bought it it had been essentially neglected for years. It was just used for rough grazing so it was just open space. Having had horses on it for years it is actually open space that has been shit on for years.

In the 2.5 years that we own it, our input into it has been half assed and lack luster. We lacked commitment to it, dedication, concern. We didn’t take the time to mind it. I myself am guilty of saying “i don’t have to do anything with it now, I have the rest of my life to deal with it”

Tonight I can relate all of that to talking about myself. No one, myself included has taken time to take care of me. I am essentially an open space that has been shit on for years. Your treatment of our land and the words you have used to describe it mirror your attitude about me “it’s beautiful but it’s so big, it’s going to take forever to deal with it properly”

We both put caring for me on the long finger. You are not solely to blame for neglecting me, I have done it all of my life so why should you treat me any different.

At night, when I walk up my field, because it is my field now, I am at peace. I am alone with myself, with the very basic bits of me. I don’t answer myself back, I don’t critique myself, I don’t even have an opinion. I speak the me that I am, as sure as the ground under my feet knowing that what comes out of me simply is what I am. Interestingly my field holds no surprises yet fills me with calm, awe and wonder.

Lying here, right now, I can see its potential. It could continue to be just as it is now, unchanged, unchallenged until I leave it or I can take time, make time to make it better, stronger, healthier, more beautiful. And as strong and powerful as they are they don’t do my field justice.

It is magnificent. I fell in love with it the day we met. I know it’s scars because I made most of them and I can navigate those scars in the dark without falling over. My field is so tied into my future that I cannot imagine living without it.

No one else is going to come along and say “I will care for your field while you continue to ignore it”. If I can’t care for it, and me, how can I expect anyone else to?

So, outer field… Are you ready? Because I am.

LEAVE ME ALONE January 9, 2012

Posted by Laura in Uncategorized.
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So long went by without you bothering me. It was peace. I had nothing to say here. It took a while to realise why I was so peaceful and when I did I enjoyed it. And then you started annoying me again.

Solve a fucking situation on your own for once. I know you can do it (not to be misinterpreted for “I have faith in you”, just to be read as “I know you are able to do it”) so stop coming to me to do it.

It is almost a month since I told you that my solicitor is not dealing with your stuff any more but you waited til today to do anything about it, that is today being the first working day after you heard from my father about his money. The first working day after you refused to meet with my father to talk to him about his money. I am not going to help you sort out this situation. It was a crappy job with crappier benefits when I had the job and I don’t want it any more.

None of this is helping public opinion of you, but at this stage you don’t care what my family think of you, but then I don’t think you ever cared. I think you always saw them as a nuisance, a group of people you could never understand because they didn’t observe the same type of self focus as you do.

I saw you this morning and you look like shit but I was reminded of the fact that you have looked like that for a long time now. I am not saying I am a beauty queen but you just looked hungover this morning.

Please don’t try to be helpful January 2, 2012

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Twice in 3 months you have tried to be helpful by carrying one of our sleeping children straight to bed. Both times you have failed. Both times I have been left with a WIDE AWAKE child. So now I am sat downstairs waiting for the child to go back to sleep which he won’t do because he had a 90 second nap earlier before you woke him taking him to bed. Not only that but when I said not to talk to him after you had woken him your went ahead and talked to him which sure fire guaranteed his state of awakeness. So thanks but no thanks.

Oh, the court summons is being issued tomorrow and you will be receiving a letter from my father by the end of the week. Let the shit storm begin.

And one final Oh. Thanks for not paying child support this week. You do know that just because business is slow between Christmas and new year you are not excused from paying for your children to be fed and kept warm in clean clothes with toilets that continue to flush and transported in a car that continues to run. Life goes on, even when business slows down.

Normal Interpersonal Communications December 31, 2011

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On Thursday we visited friends in the west of Ireland & for 36 hours we got home there was something that continued to niggle. It took until this morning to realise what it was.

In the middle of the evening the Dad asked the Mom where the nail clippers was. She said it was one place and he came back a few minutes later to say that it wasn’t and she replied “well then it is in the yellow basket” and he headed off. Another few minutes and he reappeared to say it wasn’t and that he had a willing child in the kitchen and he wanted to strike while the iron was hot.

36 hours later I realised what was bothering me. She hadn’t hopped up & frantically search for the nail clippers so as not to upset him & to ensure that he didn’t go sit in front of the TV for the rest of the day.

But let us go back from there. He was cutting one of his children’s finger nails, something you haven’t done in almost 7 years.

I have a lot of learning to do.

What happens when you decide we are not best friends? December 28, 2011

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You are full of sweetness and light, I can only presume it’s because you think we are best friends because I haven’t fought you over money but you would be a little mistaken on that one.

This evening you told me that you will have more money in the New Year, if the business does better. That “if” covered your ass and now as far as you are concerned you can choose whether to give me money or not.

It doesn’t work that way for me.

Nothing you do surprises me December 24, 2011

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I have had nothing to write for the best part of a week because you have left me alone for that time. WHOOT!

But here I find myself thinking about you again. Last week you gave me €100 of the €840 you owe me and told me that there would be “more next week” so roll forward to today and needless to say there was no money offered up. I have stopped humiliating myself by asking you for money and having to tell the latest excuse so right now you owe me €840 and you haven’t contributed toward Christmas. Of course that isn’t stopping you coming out here in the morning to enjoy Santa.

This one is about me December 21, 2011

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Embarrassment is my nemesis. It is the thing that engulfs me and paralyses me completely. Today I took the younger child to the Santa party of the older child. At the end of the proceedings there was a Santa session for the preschoolers which I didn’t know was happening and as a result hadn’t made any preparations for. I sat there, embarrassed, in the audience while all of the other preschoolers (along with their parents) went up onto the stage. Not only was I embarrassed but I was angry that no one had told me that this was happening.

The one requirement present purchasing process was that the gift had to the less than €8. I was very careful to make sure that I stayed under the €8. Clearly not all of the parents felt the way that I did about this.

I am going to check the letter that was sent home about the present to make sure that I didn’t miss anything and then write to the school to complain.

Unfortunately this comes on the back of two different parents disregarding the “don’t send (birthday) cakes into school” rule. Both of these have been in the older boys class and each time he was excluded because he cannot eat home made/unlabeled food. He was unbothered by this but I am definitely unsettled by the whole thing, to the point that right at this moment I don’t trust the school.

I’m not saving some for you December 20, 2011

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Last night I forgot that you are not the person that I used to believe you were. I forgot that you are self focused and that you don’t give a flying toss about me. We spoke about my turkeys and you had the cheek to ask me to keep you some. Seriously? They are being cooked on Christmas Day in my parents house and you thought I light just box you up some and keep it for you until the next day. Get over yourself mate.

What came after that reminded me that you are not a nice person. Our older child told me “Dadda is saving to buy me a present for Christmas so will you not take any money from him until Christmas?”

WHAT? Instead of telling our child that he can’t have a toy on December 19th because it is less than a week to Christmas you told him no because you have to give all of your money to me. You are a wanker.

I did have a silent laugh last night. As you put the younger child into the car you informed me that he didn’t want to go home & wanted to stay with you for ever and ever. He piped up “no Dadda, I don’t want to come here any more, I want to stay with mamma for ever and ever. I don’t take that stuff personally but I hope you do 🙂

We are not best friends December 19, 2011

Posted by Laura in Uncategorized.
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You’re acting as though we are best buddies again. We are not. I don’t want to chat with you. I don’t want to know what is going on in your life. It is none of my business. I don’t want to know what your plans for the business in the New Year are. I want to know that you will pay child support, that I won’t have to humiliate myself by having to ask you for money to feed and clothe your children. telling me that you have decided to speak to your father about the money that is owed to my father does not make be believe that you are being a nice guy, it just reminds me that you are manipulative.

The reason my solicitor is no longer dealing with your fathers probate is that it is your fathers probate, not mine. I am not having her deal with something that you have decided to use as a weapon against me. I asked her to not be involved and she, understanding the reasons, was happy to oblige. You can get off your lazy ass and deal with the situation yourself! I am no longer your PA, receptionist, form filler, call maker. You are 40 years old, sort it out on your own. I know I spent the last 12 years managing your life but that wasn’t because you can’t, it was because you wouldn’t do it yourself.

Seriously, are you taking the piss? December 18, 2011

Posted by Laura in Uncategorized.
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So you gave me €100 this morning, of the €840 that you owe me (if we don’t include Christmas) and then told me that you have paid off most of your business debts. 2 months ago they were about €3,500 and now they are €1,000. So, you have done one of 3 things (or a combination of some/all of them)

1. Lied about the original amount of the debt
2. Lied about the current amount of the debt
3. Paid your debts before you paid for your kids

Whichever way you look at it you are a self focused WANKER.

You also told me that here would be more money “next week” and I know that will be Christmas Eve afternoon