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This one is about me December 21, 2011

Posted by The Mom in Uncategorized.
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Embarrassment is my nemesis. It is the thing that engulfs me and paralyses me completely. Today I took the younger child to the Santa party of the older child. At the end of the proceedings there was a Santa session for the preschoolers which I didn’t know was happening and as a result hadn’t made any preparations for. I sat there, embarrassed, in the audience while all of the other preschoolers (along with their parents) went up onto the stage. Not only was I embarrassed but I was angry that no one had told me that this was happening.

The one requirement present purchasing process was that the gift had to the less than €8. I was very careful to make sure that I stayed under the €8. Clearly not all of the parents felt the way that I did about this.

I am going to check the letter that was sent home about the present to make sure that I didn’t miss anything and then write to the school to complain.

Unfortunately this comes on the back of two different parents disregarding the “don’t send (birthday) cakes into school” rule. Both of these have been in the older boys class and each time he was excluded because he cannot eat home made/unlabeled food. He was unbothered by this but I am definitely unsettled by the whole thing, to the point that right at this moment I don’t trust the school.


Just leave me the frack alone December 17, 2011

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I love when days go by & I don’t hear from you. I realise days later that I haven’t heard from you & I’m filled with peace. Unfortunately this week you have been up in my business a lot.

Our phone call on Wednesday which included you telling me that at one point your father was convinced that I had poisoned your mother & that you would restart maintenance at some point was draining at best & was followed up with several texts from you about Christmas Eve night.

Why can you not understand that it is not appropriate for you to stay with us on Christmas Eve night & certainly not fair to me for you to sit/lie around while I work & get things organised.

You agreed to collecting the boys on St Stephens Day but from the nearest shopping centre. Is it wrong of me to pray for snow on the 26th?

I feel bad insisting that the children leave toys & other children to spend the afternoon with their father & grandfather but that is me & I don’t have sole custody.

I haven’t heard from you since yesterday morning. Thank you. Can you do that more often please?

For everyone asleep in the back row December 15, 2011

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On September 30th I asked you to leave after you decided that not speaking to me for 48 hours was an appropriate punishment for the fact that I 1. went ahead with attending the joint counselling session that you refused to go to and 2. refused to take our child to school because after lying in bed for 30 minutes you didn’t have time to have a shower, have breakfast and get him to school.

But let me go back a little.

In February you told me that if I didn’t cut short my visit to my parents, so that I could take your father to visit your mother in hospital as you refused to close the shop to take him, that I shouldn’t bother coming home.

In May you told me that if I didn’t have our child in school by September you would leave.

In June you told me that if I refused to attend the school meeting alone (if you didn’t close the shop to attend it with me) and it resulted in our child losing the school space that you would leave.  You even went so far as to pack a bag .

Between June and September you asked me regularly, for a variety of reasons, if I would like you to leave.

As school start time is 9.20 and I have to be in work 20km away at 9.30 you agreed to doing all of the school drop offs.

Between August 31st & September 30th you asked me no less than 6 times to do the school run, including that final morning that you needed me to do it so that you could have 15, much needed, minutes in bed.  WAIT!  Didn’t you say that you couldn’t shower and take him to school?

Have I mentioned that you are a bully?

On September 3rd you put our child outside because he was messing at the dinner table and then walked off to eat your dinner else where, which was itself a regular occurance, informing me that you were never having anything to do with him again, another regular occurance.  When I told you that you may as well leave because you don’t get to live here and not parent you took me up on my offer.

The next day you pushed and pushed and pushed me to ask you to come home.  You came home and slept on the couch and then in bed.  When I went to go out you told me to take the kids with me because you wanted nothing to do with the older one.

In all of that time I gave in to your bullying.  I stood there, or rather laid down, and took it.  Every time you told me you would leave or asked me if I wanted you to leave a little thing went off in my brain that said “Save your marriage, at all costs”.  You knew that thing was there and you took advantage of it.  I let you walk all over me to save my marriage.

But what was I saving?  The fact that I took care of all the bills?  That I dealt with all phone calls and paperwork because you “couldn’t”.  It wasn’t a marriage.  I was your whipping boy.

On September 30th I asked you to leave, or rather when you said “Do you want me to leave?” I replied “Yes” and it was one of the best things I could have done with my life.

Now will you ever leave me the fuck alone and stop thinking you can get one over on me?

You are a big, fat, bully December 15, 2011

Posted by The Mom in Uncategorized.

I met my new solicitor this morning and came up with a plan. I gave you time to start paying maintenance again or my solicitor would have a maintenance summons issued against you.

You told me you would start “when you have some money”. You explained that you only have €200 to live on each week for petrol and groceries and take away on the nights you get home late and you can’t start cooking “at that hour”. WTF? You are eating take away on a weekly basis? More than once a week? You drive 1km to work. You drive 1km to do the school run. That is a total of less than 20km a week which with the worst mileage your car could possibly be doing would cost you €3 in petrol a week. Where the fuck is the rest of the money going and when are you going to understand that


You seem to think that at the end of the conversation earlier I had come around to your way of thinking. That I was going to sit and wait for you to tell me each week/month/whatever that there was yet another excuse for you not putting your kids first. I am not. I am not looking for money for me. I am looking for it for them. To feed them. To clothe them. To pay their medical bills. And if I have to go to court to have a judge tell you that you have to provide for your kids then that is what I have to do.

You made a promise to our child to sleep in their bed on Christmas Eve when you were not in a position to fullfill that promise. Did you think that if you made the promise I would have to follow through on it? That I would have to acquiesce and tell you that it is OK for you to sleep here? Let me for a moment ponder upon the reasons why that is not going to happen –

Christmas Eve night is not a sit around and relax night. It is work. It has always been my work and will continue to be this year. I am not working while you sit around watching TV (which is what happened every other year)
I cannot afford to heat the sitting room to a level that you would be comfortable in
How fucking confusing do you think it would be for the kids to have you suddenly come and stay for the night? The next time one of them says “Can Dadda stay here?” I have to get into the specifics of why it was OK for you to stay one night and not another? Eh, no.
and most importantly

Your request to sleep here on Christmas Eve was worded as “give me that one thing” as though you never ask for anything and are a giving selfless person. All I have to say to that is BOLLOCKS! You are a self focused git!

I’m feeling the anger tonight because I got to be the one to explain to our child that you are not staying over on Christmas Eve.

You are welcome to be here at 8 when the kids go downstairs. I will not hold them up there if you are late. Please be late.

Open the door, walk right in December 13, 2011

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You may not realise it but you opened the legal door. I have known for a few weeks that I need to get a maintenance order issued against you but I really didn’t want to be the one that started the legal process.

Last night when you informed me that you have decided to seek legal advice about getting sole custody of the boys you opened that door wide and allowed me to walk through as the second guest to the party. It is small but it means a lot to me, not in a “how sweet & thoughtful of you” kind of way but the “now I don’t have to feel guilty about starting the process” way.

I woke this morning knowing that I was going to speak to my new solicitor today & that you were going to try to talk to me about my unsafe car. As expected you did try to talk to me but I’m not having a conversation with you when you are coming from a position of poor information.

For reference my car was not rebuild in a chop shop. It had some body work done to the existing parts, not replacements & certainly not second hand replacements. The problems the car garage were having last Friday were: getting parts from the dealer & matching up generic paint. That’s it. They weren’t dealing with anything more sinister than that but you have reinterpreted it to be that there was a problem with the parts used in the previous repair work & that the car is unsafe.

I have made contact with the solicitor & am meeting her colleague tomorrow morning. Better than that I have checked and the access that I’m offering you for Christmas Day & St Stephens Day are reasonable.

I am sure you will make no contribution towards Christmas at this point & I don’t expect any.

I do want you, in fact I dare you, to show up at my parents house on St Stephens Day to collect the boys.

Heroin in my eyeballs December 12, 2011

Posted by The Mom in Uncategorized.

Tonight you made me laugh, but not in a “that was funny, thank you for making me feel happy” way.  More so a “you are a stupid man” kind of way.

My new car has had body work repairs in the past, repairs that were not done by a main dealer.  It is apparent that the work was done because they didn’t use branded paint, just a “close enough” paint.  When I collected my car today they told me that it is a good car, perfectly roadworthy etc. but you have decided that it is a chop shop car and that this along with a suicide attempt that I made 15 years ago are grounds for you to apply for sole custody.  Now lets us consider the facts.

You have made no child support payments for 6 weeks
You have made no reference to having the kids overnight in the last 10 weeks
You don’t ask about the kids when you don’t have them
You leave our children with your father who you have said recently is not in his right mind

In all of that you think that you will get sole custody?  In the courts in this country a mother has to be shooting heroin into her eyeballs for her children to be taken from her.  Buying a car that has some previous body work and a suicide attempt almost 16 years ago are not enough to lose me my kids, especially when you consider the fact that I have been in counselling since I asked you to move out.

I have a support structure
I have friends and family (immediate and extended)
I am a member of the Church of the faith that I practice.
I am solely responsible for their medical wellbeing
I went to the parent teacher meeting while you napped

And the bit that tickles me the most – I have bought all of the Christmas presents and I have organised the Santa letters and you told me on December 6th that you would start saving!  Who the fuck starts saving for Christmas on December 6th?

I care not to share December 10, 2011

Posted by The Mom in Uncategorized.
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I am cold. This whole building is cold. The experiement that was to be “no central heating, electric radiators only” has failed and I am glad I am not sharing it with you. The thought of you moaning about the cold annoys me, never mind you actually moaning about it!

Before I asked you to leave you told me several things that you father said, or rather allegedly said because I believe they were your words that you were assigning to your father. One of them was that it was cold here. That was in September. I dread to think what you would make of it now.

I feel like those old people you see on the news, the ones that go to bed at 7pm so that they don’t have to heat the sitting room. That was me at 8.30. The kids were in bed and I had a choice between trying to reheat the sitting room or just going to bed. Ultimately I was going to be doing the same thing, playing on my laptop and having a diet coke but doing it in bed was warmer and cheaper.

You have left me with debts coming out of my ears, before the humdinger of this week, but if I have to sell my jewellery I will have a stove installed before next Winter.

I am, more than likely, going to live here for at least 7 years, probably more like 9 and although I have only done a few weeks of Winter I am not doing another one like this.

You informed me yesterday that you will be staying here on Christmas Eve so that you can wake with the kids on Christmas morning. Let me tell you now (and I will tell you in person too) there are a variety of reasons why that is not going to happen, the main one being that I am not giving you the idea that staying here EVER is an option and coming a close second is the fact that I cannot afford to heat the place to a suitable level for you.

Of course the fact that you haven’t paid me child support for 6 weeks means I don’t have a lot of money to heat the place but I do have a lot of anger directed towards you. I would rather the former than the latter.

A quick update July 1, 2011

Posted by The Mom in Uncategorized.
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I have been gone for a long time.  Since I posted last in October, in brief –

– Mushrooms grew out of the rental house wall
– J broke his arm
– The attic of the rental froze and with it all of the hot water
– We were frozen out of the house for Christmas
– We returned home from Dublin after Christmas to find the mains water frozen & the kids & I returned to Dublin
– The kids & I got swine flu
– I started building our new home
– MIL fell and broke her hip & spent a month in hospital
– MIL died 5 days after being transferred to the rehab unit here in town
– I finished building our new home
– We moved again
– My last & final IVF cycle, #8, failed when the frozen embryo did not survive the thaw

So, now you are all caught up.  Does anyone have any questions?

Highs & Lows October 26, 2010

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I have yet again been off the rails.  This is a dreadful cycle to be in and it continues to frustrate me.  I have been eating all around myself and feel sick and bloated as a result.

So this morning I made the decision to kick the sugar again.  It is now 3.30pm and my head has been thumping for the whole afternoon.  I just downed a cup of coffee in the hope that the caffeine will get me through to home time.  While it has taken the edge off it has certainly not cured me.  I suspect it is just the first day of many but hopefully by the weekend I will be headache free.

Last week, on Tuesday night, J woke in the middle of the night and I knew straight away that a drink of milk was not going to make him go back to sleep so when he asked for milk I told him it was asleep.  He asked a few more times but I offered him a cuddle each time and he was, reasonably, happy with that.  The next night, after a disturbed night the night before, I decided that I didn’t want him nursing for hours through the night so again when he woke I told him that the milk was asleep and offered him a cuddle.  He accepted it.  Last night, Monday night, he rolled over at 10.20 and banged off the radiator and woke up.  I gave him a cuddle and he fell back to sleep straight away.  The next time he woke was 7am!  The milk did well and truly sleep last night J  I am not assuming that the night weaning process is over but it is certainly going very well J  It is so nice to have a positive night weaning experience with him.  When I actively night weaned D he was 8 months and wasn’t eating solids very well.  It was an horrific experience which involved him crying for hours at night, which hindsight shows me was caused by hunger, and I have a lot of guilt about that.

On Saturday J was the same age as D was when I had my second D&C.  It is hard to remember D at that age as I was so wrapped up in pregnancy and loss but in my mind he was so much older than J is now, even though J is so much more talkative & independent that D was.  It is so interesting to watch them grow up together.  Last week I listened to D “teach” J how to count in 10’s and when they got to the end D complimented J and told him that he had done a very good job.

Photos to follow – Sticky Caramel Buns October 14, 2010

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I have been making rolls/buns with brioche dough designed by the people over at Artisan Bread in 5 Minutes a Day 🙂  I have been making their artisan white/peasant bread for almost a year but resisted making brioche mainly for fear that melted Pure (dairy free sunflower spread) would not work the same way that butter does.  Oh, and the recipe calls for 8 eggs and I never had 8 eggs lying around 🙂  Now I have chickens and therefore lots of eggs, oh and a Kitchen Aid with which to mix it.

So two weeks ago I decided to risk it and then I remembered that I had loaned my Artisan Bread in 5 Minutes a Day book to J’s Godmother and the brioche recipe is in it.  Then I remembered that recipe is listed on the website so I got started.  The original recipe calls for butter but I swapped it weight for weight for Pure.

Brioche dough (makes about 2.5lbs of dough)

  • 3/4 cups lukewarm water
  • 3/4 tablespoons granulated yeast
  • 3/4 tablespoons rock salt
  • 4 large eggs, lightly beaten
  • 1/4 cup honey
  • 6oz Sunflower Pure, melted
  • 4 cups plain flour

Mix the yeast, salt, eggs and honey with the water in a 5-quart bowl, or lidded (not airtight) food container.

Mix in the flour, using a spoon (or stand mixer with beater blade) until all of the flour is incorporated.

Mix in melted Pure.

Cover (not airtight), and allow to sit at room temperature for about two hours.

The dough can be used as soon as it is chilled. This dough is way too sticky to use after the initial rise, but once it is chilled it is very easy to handle. The dough can be stored in the refrigerator for up to 5 days. After that you can freeze the dough.

On the day of baking

Dust the surface of the dough with a little flour, just enough to prevent it from sticking to your hands when you reach in to pull a piece out.

You should notice that the dough has a lot of stretch once it has rested.

Cut off a 18oz piece of dough using kitchen scissors (for 8 rolls) and form it into a ball. For instructions on how to form the ball watch this videos.

Flour a bread board/counter top to prevent your dough sticking & flour the top of the ball.

Roll the dough out to approximately 1/4″ and aim for a rectangle (I say aim for because it is HARD to make it a rectangle so I cheat* at the end) with the short edge approximately 6″ long.

Cover the dough in light brown sugar making sure to spread the sugar all the way to the long edge of the rectangleish dough.

Spray a 6″ x 6″ square dish with spray oil to prevent the dough sticking.

Pull the corners of short side of the rectangleish dough to “straighten” the top edge & fold over the dough.

Roll up the dough to the last 1″.

Again pull the corners of the short side of the rectangleish dough to “straighten” the bottom edge & fold it over the top.

Pinch the dough closed.

Cut the roll with a scissors into 1.5″ sections.

Transfer the rolls into the dish & cover the dish in cling film.

Allow the rolls to rest for 1.5 hours.

20 minutes before baking time heat the oven to 180⁰C (use an oven thermometer to ensure the temperature of the oven)

At baking time remove cling film & bake rolls for 30 – 35 minutes

When finished baking remove the rolls from the dish immediately to prevent caramelised sugar hardening and sticking the rolls to the dish.

Allow to cool on a cooling rack.


  • 2oz icing sugar
  • 1 teaspoon water

Mix the sugar & water and heat over a low heat until sugar is transparent

Pour/brush over cooled buns

When the icing is set pull apart the buns & enjoy!

I have photos of the process on my camera but I can’t find the lead to get the photos off the camera and don’t have an external CF reader so the photos have to wait.  Once I have them on my laptop I will add them in to this post.

I am tired now and it is bed time but tomorrow I will put up alternate fillings for the rolls (by then I will have eaten some of the maple pecan ones that are being baked in the morning 🙂 )